Carpool Tales

For various reasons Father Goof sends his son to a private school. This requires carpooling, which creates an odd kind of extended family.

Because Father Goof is both the least gainfully employed and least useful adult member of this extended family, he gets the toughest carpool duty - afternoon pickup. Every afternoon I ask my son and his carpool buddy what they learned today. And every afternoon they reply in desultory fashion, "Nothing."

I keep thinking, for what I pay in tuition, I should get more than "Nothing." I should be amused, entertained. They should be regular Scheherazades back there regaling me with a 1001 Carpool Afternoons.

Better still, to really see my tuition dollars at work, I'd like the school to pick the Little Goof up by helicopter.

Henny for the Young Man

On my continuing theme of teaching my children comic timing, I’ve introduced my son to the comedy stylings of Henny Youngman. One of my son’s favorite jokes is:

Did you hear about the man who was killed by a weasel?

He was lying on the railroad tracks and he didn’t hear the weasel.

My son, to his credit, improved the joke:

Did you hear about the weasel who was killed by a person?

He was lying on the railroad track and he didn’t hear the person coming.

Today, it all paid off. My son’s kindergarten teacher had been sick. My wife asked, “How’s your teacher?”

My son deadpanned, “Compared to what?”

My wife, who grew up in a deprived environment and had never heard of Henny Youngman before meeting me, spit diet Coke through her nose. Then she had to go to the bathroom.

It was the best day ever.

My son turned to me and said, in his little Darth Vader voice, “The circle is now complete. When I met you I was but the learner. Now, I am the master.”

“Only a master of weasel, Darth.”