tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-196768152024-03-07T02:17:17.203-05:00For Fathers OnlyThe low down on fatherhood.Father Goofhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08310182415459788848noreply@blogger.comBlogger468125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19676815.post-52657502891942574662018-11-22T13:44:00.003-05:002018-11-22T13:44:43.350-05:00Thankful for... Ultimate Frisbee? (It's about college applications)Father Goof has been moribund. Sorry fans (or is it fan?)<br />
<br />
There's life, a full-time job, and also <a href="http://veepcritique.blogspot.com/2018/07/july-4th-special-post-reckoning.html">I'm writing a book on the side</a>. So, not tons of bandwidth. Also, the little Goofs aren't so little and seem to have lives (but that's just an excuse - when I pay attention <a href="https://forfathersonly.blogspot.com/2011/12/learning-by-writing.html">they furnish tons of material</a>.)<br />
<br />
But today, Thanksgiving, seemed like a great day to make a comeback, since I have something I am particularly thankful for.<br />
<br />
GoofBoy is applying to college. This is a big decision and a lot for a teenager to process. It is easy to imagine that your choice of college is critical to your ultimate success in life. It will, but not in the way that you think (college is probably where you meet your future spouse.) Otherwise, (and this is another of my hobby-horses) odds are that you are not going to do anything hugely earth-shaking with your life. You want to be reasonably happy and content - what choices set you on that pathway?<br />
<br />
Let's put aside the two <i>uber </i>issues of cost and acceptance. We are fortunate, within reason these two issues do not predominate, we have choices. But among friends who are similarly situated, their children are often overwhelmed by the huge number of choices.<br />
<br />
Kids often use simple heuristics to winnow things down: a big sports school, somewhere small, a school in New England. As the <a href="https://www.nobelprize.org/prizes/economic-sciences/2002/kahneman/biographical/">Nobel Laureates Daniel Kahneman and Amos Twersky</a> explained, our brain makes instant decisions constantly (thinking fast) because we cannot possibly rationally evaluate the mass of information available.<br />
<br />
Even still, whatever factors winnow one's college choices, there are too many options, there are simply too many colleges and universities. I would estimate about eight million, all of which have contacted us by email and snail mail.<br />
<br />
This is why I'm thankful for Ultimate Frisbee.<br />
<br />
<b>Ultimate Obsession</b><br />
GoofBoy encountered the game at camp, loved it, and began seeking local teams he could join. I rolled my eyes at is interest in this silly, hippy game. He threatened to take up hacky sack, and I chose the lesser of two evils.<br />
<br />
For background, <a href="https://www.usaultimate.org/about/ultimate/">Ultimate Frisbee</a>, now just general called Ultimate, was invented in 1968 by a bunch of high school students in Maplewood, New Jersey. It is sort of a mix of football and soccer, but with a frisbee. If you have the frisbee, you cannot run, you have to pass it. The goal is to pass it into the end zone. There are a lot of specific rules, but that's the nub of it.<br />
<br />
I'm not really a tyrannical parent, within reason I let my kids do what they want. Of course his school doesn't have an Ultimate team, which meant extra driving around. For some reason, games and tournaments were often in northern Virginia. As a Marylander, I hate northern Virginia and really try to never ever go there. Yet many autumn and spring Sundays were spent going to there. I watched some games, it is a graceful sport.<br />
<br />
It is also, on the whole, a very nice sport. The people who play are generally nice. You run, a lot, and injuries usually aren't too severe. GoofBoy reports that getting hit in the head by a thrown frisbee hurts, but it won't lead to a concussion.<br />
<br />
GoofBoy's love of the game deepened. His team was state champions, he went out for travel teams, he got all of his friends into it, and he started buying gear. I joked that maybe he could get a big frisbee scholarship and he said he was thinking about going pro. There are literally dollars to be made!<br />
<br />
<b>College Ultimate</b><br />
But GoofBoy was thinking seriously about his Ultimate career. Some colleges and universities have Ulimate teams that travel and compete. GoofBoy's dream is to be on a team that makes nationals while he is there. That's about 15 schools. Suddenly the college hunt was focused. A few of these schools have Ultimate teams so good that GoofBoy probably can't make it. Some of these schools don't have a very strong campus Jewish life. One, GoofBoy said looked like too much of a party school while another was too much of a grind. One was in a place he simply did not want to go. These are fair concerns and the kid knows himself. And of course, academics still matter. It has to be a good school.<br />
<br />
This took us down to eight schools: two or three that he is unlikely to get into, but worth a shot; two or three that should not be a problem; and two or three that are realistic but not certain.<br />
<br />
Done! (Five of the eight are submitted!)<br />
<br />
Back in April I was invited to give a talk at the University of Washington in Seattle. They have a great Ultimate team that GoofBoy has admired from afar. Seattle is a big Ultimate town (it's also where MamaGoof got her PhD.) I took GoofBoy with me. We toured the campus, which is beautiful. He met a biology professor (that's what he's really interested in!) We went on a hike outside of the city, because you absolutely should <i>not</i> go to the Pacific Northwest without seeing the great outdoors. We poked around downtown Seattle (and visited a neat company that makes Ultimate gear!) We visited the campus Hillel, which was welcoming.<br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihN0KvQ45eoZWcCjV96P7I6VqN91V37lnTDhCJUbUFbqA_7Li5Jt2M2HiT9K5mi26elNW20cVHvJpSIncHSAS1OCZ_vjsPDiK6rG64Kz3W5PI6AlL6y1bW5p-i5yn6dia1YeEYrg/s1600/IMG_9003.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihN0KvQ45eoZWcCjV96P7I6VqN91V37lnTDhCJUbUFbqA_7Li5Jt2M2HiT9K5mi26elNW20cVHvJpSIncHSAS1OCZ_vjsPDiK6rG64Kz3W5PI6AlL6y1bW5p-i5yn6dia1YeEYrg/s320/IMG_9003.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">GoofBoy, in blue, with the UW SunDodgers, at his happiest!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Most importantly, GoofBoy joined the U.W. team for a practice.<br />
<br />
So this Thanksgiving, I'm thankful for Ultimate Frisbee. It makes my son happy. In framing his choices for college, it helped set him on a path to be happy. Also, because he really wants to play Ultimate in college it gave him extra motivation to write the essays and get stuff done. And all of that makes me happy and thankful.Father Goofhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08310182415459788848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19676815.post-43440122771032588582017-12-26T08:27:00.001-05:002017-12-26T08:27:32.052-05:00GoofBoy of Winter Breaks Past...GoofBoy is now a teenager. I am teaching him to drive. I know teenagers can be awful, but I've got two of them and so far they are not. They have always been wonderful children, and continue to be.<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
They are so sweet and good-natured that I worry a bit about the cold harsh world. But they aren't fools, they know that most children don't have the comforts and opportunities that they enjoy.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Here is a little story about GoofBoy from a winter break several years ago.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
We went to our neighborhood <a href="https://www.dunkindonuts.com/en">Dunkin' Donuts</a> for coffee and donuts, because coffee and donuts are great on a winter day. (I like Starbucks, but for a simple cup of coffee, DD hits the spot.)</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
A group of guys (not so young) were hanging out chatting - weather was a big topic. I joined in, this and that. (GoofBoy enjoys seeing me interact with adults - maybe because I do it so rarely. I remember him choosing to join me as I caught up with an old friend on a trip to Boston. He enjoyed watching us reminisce. On our trips to LA, he would constantly ask when we would go see some of my friends out there.)</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
After a while, their conversation wound down. One of them however stuck around. He explained that he was a bus driver for the county schools, so he was off work for the week. His daughter worked at DD, so he could hang out with her (and presumably enjoy free coffee and donuts - hope GoofBoy got an idea...)</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
He asked me my thoughts on a recent county school policy. Since GoofBoy is a private school, I don't know much about these things, but we chatted about that for a bit. Then we headed out. As we walked back to the car GoofBoy observed: </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
"Dad, that was really interesting."</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
"We were just chatting. Small talk," I answered.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
"But it was interesting. And you know, I really appreciate the bus drivers and how hard they work to keep us safe. Whenever we go on a school trip, I make sure to thank the drivers."</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I can't say don't ever change GoofBoy - because life is change. But don't lose that unaffected kindness.</div>
Father Goofhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08310182415459788848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19676815.post-17415742413071310712017-09-07T21:46:00.001-04:002017-09-07T21:46:31.544-04:00The Ballad of the Boy Who Never Wrote Home<i>GoofBoy was away for eight weeks this summer. He wrote to us once. <a href="http://forfathersonly.blogspot.com/2017/07/leopard-detective-predator-or-prey.html">I wrote to him regularly.</a> When I didn't hear from him, I began to chide him in a literary way - turning, for the first time in decades, to poetry.</i><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The Ballad of the Boy Who Never Wrote Home</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
All because the boy did not write<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Momma frets: Was he eaten by a bear<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Father scoffs: No need to take fright<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My bet, he’s fallen for the girl with pink hair<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Momma worries he was struck by lightning<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Grown so tall, the bolt must strike<o:p></o:p></div>
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That much height would be frightening<o:p></o:p></div>
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Father scowls: he’s just out on an extra long hike<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Momma rejoins: Then he must be lost<o:p></o:p></div>
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In the deep dark Berkshire wood<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Father asks: how much does this camp cost?<o:p></o:p></div>
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Still, pick up a pen, he should…<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And then Father too begins to worry<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What if boy became Sasquatch<o:p></o:p></div>
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As he’d sit eating take-out Thai curry<o:p></o:p></div>
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With endless nature documentaries to watch<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Mother says: He fell off a mountain<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You know he’s afraid of heights<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Can’t we just finish this episode of Downton<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Father moans, one Thursday night<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then father reads about Cthulu’s comeback<o:p></o:p></div>
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And worries the boy’s soul was eaten<o:p></o:p></div>
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He secretly prepares his rescue pack<o:p></o:p></div>
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With potent spells to give demons a beaten<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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He doesn’t breathe a word to his wife<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As he prepares for his secret mission<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But deep under piles he grasps a knife<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Of wrought silver made by magic fission<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m going to a conference he tells Momma<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She rolls her eyes, and doesn’t ask<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
From home he drives till he meets a llama<o:p></o:p></div>
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It says, I’ll be your guide but you must do a task<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Oh great, father says, a must-do chore<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Do you want to rescue boy<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
From the pit of Cthulu gore<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The llama asked, being coy<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Fine, fine, I’ll do it, whatever you need<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Great, just install my back-top router<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For I haven’t hands, then we can go with speed<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The llama said excited, louder<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The wires plugged, the passwords set<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The duo took a trail to deep dark<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Father scared reached out to pet<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Llama roared: I’m no puppy at the park<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sorry, I’m frightened in all this gloom<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Father confessed with shame<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I sense in facing Cthulu my doom<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Llama snapped: Don’t speak his name<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We aren’t getting along very well<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Father said to his camelid guide <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Perhaps if you were silent a spell<o:p></o:p></div>
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And so they trudged on, side-by-side<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As they were schlepping a worry came to Momma<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He’s been gone too long, I just know<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He found on the trail that talking llama<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hey GoofGirl, we have to go<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
GoofGirl was pleased, she had go-bags ready<o:p></o:p></div>
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Loaded with rations, band-aids and ammo<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Loading the car, that girl was steady<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Before she left, she put on camo<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Neither GPS nor Google Maps knew<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The location they needed<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Home of arch-demon Cthulu<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Were greatest evil is seeded<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Father and llama travelled long and far<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Through deserts searing and swamps dank<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And jungles like walls of green tar<o:p></o:p></div>
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Though the llama was fair, Father stank<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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As they travelled Father thought and thought<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
About his boy and his terrible fate<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That DEMOM that DEMON must be fought<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Oh hurry for we could be too late<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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An upside-down castle with walls of coal<o:p></o:p></div>
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Stood before them, grim<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In they went, creeping they stole<o:p></o:p></div>
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In search of the boy, in search of him<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Within a vast hall, a gleaming black<o:p></o:p></div>
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The demon was found, great<o:p></o:p></div>
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Tentacled, his maw a gaping crack<o:p></o:p></div>
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Father took his silver knife to meet his fate<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Fighting demons takes practice and skill<o:p></o:p></div>
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Before he could move Father<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Was grabbed and held until<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Llama charged and spat, a surprising bother<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Released, Father scampered to escape<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But was blocked by demonic bulk<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Llama nonplussed, simply changed shape<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To a bat and flew off, leaving Father to sulk<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then his cell phone buzzed, alive with a text<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
BOY SENT NOTE, IS FINE, WE’RE OUTSIDE<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But Father did not know what do next<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He was busy looking for places to hide<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then Cthulu jumped and ran from the gate<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And Father sprinted out free and clear<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Passing GoofGirl who in a ready state<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Nerf guns in each hand, eyes without fear<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I shot its big butt, she cried, I think<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Demon anatomy is kind of weird<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s hot, here’s some water to drink<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Father glugged it, drenching his beard<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Can we go, Momma called, in a hurry<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He’ll be back and furious<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then cook us in a hellish curry<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Let’s leave now, don’t be curious<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
They got in the car and Momma said<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You drive back, since we saved your butt<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And Father drove home from the land of the dead<o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
It wasn’t too bad, he knew a shortcut<o:p></o:p></div>
Father Goofhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08310182415459788848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19676815.post-53362778290820849382017-07-30T22:07:00.003-04:002017-07-30T22:07:35.343-04:00Leopard Detective: Predator or Prey, Chapter 4 - The Scarring Conclusion<div class="MsoNormal">
“Where are you going now?” I asked.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“You know about shiva, Jewish mourning?” Detective Franklin answered.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Of course. But isn’t the house still a crime scene?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Yes. Friends up the street are hosting. I’m going to go. I
doubt there will be leads, but the family will appreciate it.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“You can take me with you. I know a path back to the forest
and we can talk about the case.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was true there was a path from their home
to Rock Creek Park. But I wanted to visit the home myself.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
On the drive we discussed the case. There was a strange
shell company, no one could figure out what it was doing. The FBI has been
brought in. But a secret about murder police, they don’t really care about why,
they really just want to know who. They had produced a sketch based on my description
and distributed to airports, police departments, and the intelligence
community. With his distinctive scar, the suspect probably could not leave the country
without being detected, although he could leave the area. But we knew nothing
about him except that maybe he was Russian.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When we arrived, I slipped out of the car and carefully made
my way among shadows, moving unseen. Scar man must do the same.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I arrived at crime scene. The entrances were blocked by
police tape, but I climbed a tree and slipped in an open upstairs window. I
wandered through the empty house. I smelled Goldman, his wife, each of the
daughters. Downstairs, some others, frequent visitors. In Goldman’s office, his
smell was very strong. The odors of his fear and blood were still strong. But
there was another scent. I found the smell of a man, very different, but still
a man. I could sense his pheromones too. He is a natural predator, like me.
Nonetheless, at the moment of the kill the body releases strong scents. They
were present. On a whim, I sniffed the file cabinet. It appeared undisturbed,
but the man with the scar had looked into it. The scar-man’s scent was
accompanied by something else. Something strange, but I had smelled it before.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I left the house and, still keeping to the shadows, made my
way to Rock Creek Park. Scar-man also hides in shadows, never fully seen, even
in plain sight. I didn’t have long to find him. Soon he would fade into the
shadows completely. In the woods I found my tree and sat. Raccoons or some
other scavenger had finished my deer. I was sated and had no time to hunt. I
slept for a time and waited for nightfall.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFhf09HIf18jf2WyMhRGvP-y6WLBXuwz_cusJrMNO6dsUGXOLFRgBGRC9eXJHTza0prIAZhzLhxW1AMHqNaRDkUIR9bg-RxiY8gNCGm7yEvqQkISyVQNyv8YNj7b5krFJmLTBvig/s1600/leopard-515510_1920.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFhf09HIf18jf2WyMhRGvP-y6WLBXuwz_cusJrMNO6dsUGXOLFRgBGRC9eXJHTza0prIAZhzLhxW1AMHqNaRDkUIR9bg-RxiY8gNCGm7yEvqQkISyVQNyv8YNj7b5krFJmLTBvig/s320/leopard-515510_1920.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Thanks for the image pixabay.com</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
I moved south and east, remembering where I’d encountered
the smell before. I came out of the park on the east, north of the zoo. It was
late. My instinct was guiding me, I can see the world in terms of space and smell. Then, someone walking nearby had the scent.
It was dark so I could not see them, but from the sound of his walk I could
sense he was wearing flowing robes – a priest. I smelled the odor faintly and
followed it and found myself before a Russian Orthodox Church. So that was the
distinct odor, the incense used in church services. What better shadow for
scar-man to conceal himself?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The doors of the church are always open. I slipped silently
through a side door. The church was dark and silent, but I could smell him.
Great cats have the ability to make infrasound. That is noise below the range
of human hearing. My phone is set to respond to commands at that frequency. I
instructed texts be sent with my location to all of my contacts in the police
department. They should arrive in a few moments.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Electronics make sounds at a frequency to high for the human
ear. I heard one and began skulking towards it. I wanted to come close and take
him when I heard the police close by. To kill him would have been easy, but it
would not have served justice, nor would it have brought satisfaction to
Goldman’s family. And Franklin would not be able to pay me without an arrest. I
did need the money, I wanted to visit my home soon.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Predators are deadly prey. I moved soundlessly, but somehow
the man with the scar knew I was there. No human would have heard him slide his
gun from his coat pocket. But I heard it.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Show yourself, and you may live,” he called out. His voice
wicked thunder in the silent, empty church.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
His gun was out and he was facing me. I gave an infrasonic
roar. Inaudible to humans, it can stun prey. But scar man was no prey. I heard
the safety go off on his pistol. I roared. But I threw my roar so bouncing off
of the wall, it sounded like it came from his right.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As he turned, my muscles tensed and I leapt. I landed on him
with my full force. He went down hard on his right side. The gun hand slamming
hard on the stone floor, but not letting go. I placed my paw over his hand and
unsheathed my claws. I would not kill him, but I would not hesitate to draw
blood. He struggled, and he was very strong. But I weigh nearly as much as a
man and he could not move. Of course, to kill him would have been easy – a nip
of my jaw on his soft throat - and I had to fight myself not to do it.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I heard a car pull up and stop. Light footsteps outside,
Detective Nguyen. The door opened and then the beam of a flashlight.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Over here,” I called softly. In a minute scar man was
handcuffed. On encountering me for the first time, people are generally
paralyzed with fear and confusion. Scar-man was not.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Another car outside.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Here comes Franklin,” Nguyen said, laughing a bit to
herself.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I must go,” I said abruptly. Franklin would ask how I knew
where to look, I did not wish to tell him. To Nguyen I continued, “Check the
file cabinet, even the inside, in Goldman’s office for prints. I expect you
will find them.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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Then I slipped into the night and through the silent streets
that were, for<o:p></o:p><br />
now, almost home.</div>
Father Goofhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08310182415459788848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19676815.post-12206067173645311802017-07-26T21:50:00.002-04:002017-07-26T21:53:29.254-04:00Leopard Detective: Predator or Prey, Chapter 3<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>I write my kids stories while they are away at camp. I've written about <a href="https://medium.com/@awmannes/a-fish-tale-what-i-wrote-to-my-kids-at-camp-bbd30583c210">sushi eating contests to save the world</a> and a <a href="https://medium.com/@awmannes/summercamp-stories-2016-dark-waters-e3ac4471b11c">super-secret Coast Guard nuclear submarine icebreaker</a>. This summer, I wrote to them about a talking leopard that solves mysteries. If you are just joining us, <a href="http://forfathersonly.blogspot.com/2017/07/leopard-detective-predator-or-prey.html">you should really start here.</a></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After my investigation the police released the corpse to the
family, who, in the tradition of their faith, sought to have the body buried
the next day. Detectives usually attend the funerals of murder victims. The
murderer often makes an appearance. I doubted this would be the case. Scar-man
was too canny for that. He was not a typical killer. So many murderers are the
product of weakness and miscalculation. Not scar-man, he was careful, plotting
killer. In a sense, perhaps he was like me.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Detective Franklin allowed me to sleep in the back of his
car; carefully covered. He made inquiries related to the investigation. He also
picked up a pair of steaks, which I devoured in the back seat of his car. Then
we drove to the cemetery. I did not expect to gather evidence. But, after my
“investigation” the person, the victim, the deceased, is in my head. They haunt
me, and will do so for the rest of my life. The funeral brings me some relief
and comfort. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When we arrived, I discretely slipped out of his car. I have
been to most cemeteries around Washington now, and knew a route where I would
not be spotted. As I made my way, slowly and silently to a tree from which I
could hear the proceedings, I was surprised. A little girl was wedged in my
path sobbing. I should have smelled and heard her from a great distance, but my
own senses were confused, with the deceased’s essence still strong within me.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She sensed me and looked up, her red, wet eyes suddenly huge
and alarmed. It was the youngest daughter, my heart swelled with sadness and
love. I did something I rarely did, I spoke to someone I did not know well.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Little one. You should be with your family. They need you
and you need them.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“What…” she began. This could not go on for long. They would
come looking for her and she would come to her senses. I thought fast.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Your father sent me to look after you. I know how must
feel. I know that you are sad and miss him. Let me give you gift, something
very few people have received. It will give you strength, but you must promise
not to speak of this ever.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Will you eat me?” she asked in a tiny frightened voice.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGMbrJ10Oe2oc9wSvAeVqvNlSJiDQeQZ6zsqc1F2RM9PhUKBCa8JBnxHxtum6McHQYcEKRF_UlYJBF02Lvq-5r4lr8XsEEtlAe3G-6OZEJ8s77ED6H4bgGcFEESZ9ovlv5m_FJZg/s1600/leopard-2342564_1920.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1065" data-original-width="1600" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGMbrJ10Oe2oc9wSvAeVqvNlSJiDQeQZ6zsqc1F2RM9PhUKBCa8JBnxHxtum6McHQYcEKRF_UlYJBF02Lvq-5r4lr8XsEEtlAe3G-6OZEJ8s77ED6H4bgGcFEESZ9ovlv5m_FJZg/s320/leopard-2342564_1920.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pictures courtesy of pixabay.com</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
I laughed, “Little one, if I were going to eat, the deed
would have already been done. Fear not. Put your arms around my neck.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She moved tentatively and embraced me. I began to purr.
Great cats purr for many reasons, one is to calm prey within their clutches. It
helps them meet their fate. It had the intended effect. I felt her arms soften,
but her back became straighter.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Now, little one. You must hurry back to your family. They
have lost one beloved and are beginning to worry about you. Do not bring them
greater worry; bring them strength. Whenever you need it, you can borrow strength
from me.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She released me, stepped back, and asked, "Are you Aslan?"<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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"No," I chuckled. "Aslan is a lion. I am covered in spots. Aslan is from Narnia, while I am from India." I could not lie to her and tell her that I am real and Aslan is not, for I am not certain of this. And I could not tell her that Aslan is a god and that I am not, because here too, I am not certain.</div>
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She turned away and walked back to the funeral, not skipping, but with a new confidence.</div>
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I made my way to my secluded spot and listened. It was about
what would be expected.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Detective Franklin waited until everyone was gone so that I
could make my way back to his car. As we drove I asked how the investigation
was progressing, had they identified the man with the scar?<o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
“That’s the amazing thing Spots,” Franklin said. “Everyone
in the meeting you told me about remembers the man with the scar. But no one knows who he is.
Everyone told me to ask someone else.”<o:p></o:p></div>
Father Goofhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08310182415459788848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19676815.post-77817518234028286192017-07-24T23:04:00.002-04:002017-07-24T23:04:40.897-04:00Leopard Detective: Predator or Prey, Chapter 2<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Today I present part 2 of Leopard Detective, the story I wrote the little Goofs while they were away at summer camp. <a href="http://forfathersonly.blogspot.com/2017/07/leopard-detective-predator-or-prey.html">You can read part one here!</a></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Alone in the morgue with the fresh corpse of David Goldman,
I knew what I had to do. But I hesitated. Mohammed had prepared the body as
necessary. My “procedures” made quite a mess. Mohammed had mastered the art of
both preparing the body for me and, when necessary, making it presentable after
I was finished.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I read the search results on my phone. Goldman was typical
in some ways, different in others. He had held jobs in the government and was
an international trade lawyer. Happily married with three daughters, he did a
fair bit of pro bono legal work. He had an autistic brother and volunteered to
work with autistic children. A remarkable life in many ways: but not even a
hint as to why he would be murdered.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I went close to the corpse and nuzzled, smelling deeply.
There was the acrid smell of gunpowder, the metallic dried blood, and his own
pheromones of fear and shock. I smelled people, several women – not strong, but
present – the wife and daughters, and there was another person, very faintly.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhB5E43HgjrLgnX3GKQQPA285SxlVCtY8NdXCGaSOV9oP44KK91D_sWbHNwOMB6Qf7ncTji9MXDwDnPxFXyAeI4rGMtQUB3PxVq9KqJs7yALuRJLPieA1WfE4-SKGfEo0xAE2g8Fw/s1600/leopard-592187_1280.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="885" data-original-width="1280" height="221" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhB5E43HgjrLgnX3GKQQPA285SxlVCtY8NdXCGaSOV9oP44KK91D_sWbHNwOMB6Qf7ncTji9MXDwDnPxFXyAeI4rGMtQUB3PxVq9KqJs7yALuRJLPieA1WfE4-SKGfEo0xAE2g8Fw/s320/leopard-592187_1280.jpg" width="320" /></a>There was nothing for it. I could delay no more. People see
what I do as horrible and disgusting. The physical act, for me, is normal. I am
a predator, devouring <o:p></o:p></div>
the edible part of my prey is what I do. My hesitation
comes from the aftermath. As I lifted my head from Goldman’s skull his entire
life flashed before my eyes. There was his wife in a swimsuit at a beach, her
hair wet, laughing, and slowly fusing with Botticelli’s Venus. Then his
daughters were mobbing him on the couch and tickling him. Then his brother, as
a teenager, smiled, pointed, and said, “My brother!”<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I stumbled a bit, but landed on my feet. I am a great cat.
Then I lay on the floor and let the life of David Goldman pass through me.
Moments of great joy: his wedding and his children. And there were also moments
of tremendous sadness, the recent death of his parents – and of his brother
years ago. It is this that I cannot bear, why I hate what I must do. But it
also moves me, for I now know this life and want to punish whoever ended it.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A life does not flow before me in any sort of order. But I
caught a glimpse of the end and let it wash over me. He was at his desk. The
family was away. A man came in, he was startled, but recognized him – barely.
The man had a scar on his right cheek, somehow it fascinated and froze him – an
evil eye. Goldman was surprised, could not move. The man asked, a pronounced
Russian accent, “The shell corporation? You can overlook this?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Goldman, stammered, “No, I really cannot.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The man with the scar said, “You are an ethical man?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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Goldman, frozen and focused on the scar, nodded.<o:p></o:p></div>
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“I’m sorry,” the man said. Then the gun appeared. There was
a blast, a sharp pain, and then darkness.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I was not done. I turned the memory around. He recognized
the man with the scar. A big meeting a few days before at his law firm. He had
called it, an anomaly, something was wrong. There was some sort of shell
company that should not be there. From his memories I could not grasp the ins
and outs. It was a Norwegian fishing conglomerate. He knew most of the people
in the room, some well, others only a bit. He reported the finding and everyone
agreed it was unacceptable and would have to be addressed before the deal could
proceed. The man with the scar sat in the back, saying nothing. He wore the
same things in both memories, a Navy blue suit and a light gray shirt, no tie.
Goldman only noted that he seemed different from everyone else, apart. He meant
to ask secretary to find out who he was, but he forgot. His eyes kept wandering
to the scar.<o:p></o:p></div>
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That was everything. I sat, maybe for a few minutes, maybe
for hours. Memories move outside of time, as I digested his life. I cannot shed
tears, but I wished that I could.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Finally, when I was ready, I spoke to my phone, “Text
Detective-Sergeant: You may come in.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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When they returned, Mohammed went to the body and began to
prepare it for the funeral – restoring Goldman to the man his friends and
family loved. I told Franklin and Nguyen everything I had learned. I did not
mention the scent.<o:p></o:p></div>
Father Goofhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08310182415459788848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19676815.post-33580730428662171562017-07-23T22:42:00.002-04:002017-07-23T22:42:24.820-04:00Leopard Detective: Predator or Prey, Chapter 1<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>I write lengthy, involved stories for the little Goofs when they go away to summer camp. Last year I wrote them a story about my <a href="https://medium.com/@awmannes/summercamp-stories-2016-dark-waters-e3ac4471b11c">deployment on a super-secret nuclear powered Coast Guard submarine ice-breaker</a> that battled sea monsters. (Keep your eyes peeled - there's more of that coming as well!) The year before that I wrote to them about how their <a href="https://medium.com/@awmannes/a-fish-tale-what-i-wrote-to-my-kids-at-camp-bbd30583c210">grandfather and I travelled to Japan to save the world - by eating sushi!</a></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i>At some point last year I became entranced with the idea of a leopard detective. (I... um... <a href="http://forfathersonly.blogspot.com/2015/07/thundershirt-or-why-mamagoof-dreads.html">think about animals in a whimsical way</a> perhaps more than most adults. <a href="http://forfathersonly.blogspot.com/2012/05/call-me-runs-with-cheetahs.html">In the not so distant past, it was mostly cheetahs</a>.) Leopard detective grew in my mind, I began to imagine his back-story. I talked about him incessantly. GoofGirl insisted he speak with a posh English accent. Finally, I just had to write it.</i></div>
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I knew, even before my phone rang, who it would be.<o:p></o:p></div>
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“Answer!” I called softly.<o:p></o:p></div>
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“Hey! Spots! We’ve got a live one, can you come in?” the
familiar voice asked.<o:p></o:p></div>
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“Please tell me you want me to visit the crime scene. You
know I have an extremely sensitive sense of smell and could undoubtedly detect
something unknown to your forensic techs. Or perhaps you need me to carry out
surveillance? I am designed to track prey…”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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“Ha ha. See you at the morgue.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbIcsQ17K0bAcR3tRSUyi-6ERmYvRx3rYzmoiy6xKCQjdsk2tfw2rjRwp6BzcJjMeHqvepd23GpQBPG0vlz4whFexj25WGJNXZAsiooyfm5YbUsDwNU-LEy0PSkxYUg1P2ybXVGA/s1600/leopard-1036455_1280.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="958" data-original-width="1280" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbIcsQ17K0bAcR3tRSUyi-6ERmYvRx3rYzmoiy6xKCQjdsk2tfw2rjRwp6BzcJjMeHqvepd23GpQBPG0vlz4whFexj25WGJNXZAsiooyfm5YbUsDwNU-LEy0PSkxYUg1P2ybXVGA/s320/leopard-1036455_1280.jpg" width="320" /></a>I always want to refuse, but I cannot. I am due to go home
soon and need the money. I leapt down from my tree, leaving the deer I had
killed stowed in the crook of the branch. There was still a bit more to eat.
When my paws hit the ground, I let out a quiet chuff, a courtesy to let any
animals nearby to stay clear. I would not be hunting tonight.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I padded quickly through Rock Creek Park, well away from the
trails in case of any late night joggers or others who might visit the park in
the small hours. I passed the strange sounds and smells of National Zoo. The
world of humanity generates a cacophony of alien sounds and smells – far beyond
what they, with their limited senses, realize. Yet it is the zoo, with its
animals, some known to me but many alien, so intermingled with people, that I
find it particularly disturbing. I try to give it a wide berth, but cannot when
I am in a hurry. The southern terminus of the park is at the zoo, the closest
point to the city morgue.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I began padding through the empty streets and alleys of the
capital of the United States, carefully avoiding lights, hugging shadows. If I
were not saving for a trip home, I might have just taken an Uber. Besides, the
Detective-Sergeant would wait. He needed me just as much as I needed him.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
-----</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At the city morgue I went to the side entrance. A few people
know of me there, but not many, and texted my contact. In a few moments,
Mohammed arrived. I was glad to see him. He is one of my very few friends in
this city.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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“Cheetah,” he said smiling, “I am glad you are here. There
is a great mystery.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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My name is not cheetah, nor am I cheetah. Mohammed, a tech
at the city morgue, was born to Masaai warriors in Kenya and knows this. But in Hindi my kind is often confused with the cheetah. It is a joke between us.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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He led me to the
inner sanctum, where the new corpses are stowed. I knew everyone,
Detective-Sergeant Franklin, Detective Nguyen, and assistant medical examiner
Figeroa.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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"His name is
David Goldman, big-shot attorney, found in his home in Foxhall. He's a pretty
big deal and no idea why anyone would shoot him. Shot from the front, through
the chest. Nothing was stolen, no signs of forced entry. So looks like someone
he knew. But he knew lots of people. Of course his associates aren't the type to kill
anyone."<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I asked my phone,
"Search: David Goldman Washington, D.C. attorney."<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Nothing.<o:p></o:p></div>
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"Please give
me your new wifi password and then leave me,” and they did.<o:p></o:p></div>
Father Goofhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08310182415459788848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19676815.post-28749679242564387672017-01-02T23:27:00.002-05:002017-01-02T23:27:50.929-05:00From the Files of the Galactic Empire Minister for the Environment<div style="background-color: white; font-variant-ligatures: normal; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<div class="m_5842651106953596956p1">
<i><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.8px;">I finally saw <a href="http://www.starwars.com/films/rogue-one">RogueOne</a> - ehh, if you must know. But </span><span style="font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">being</span><span style="font-size: 12.8px;"> a <a href="http://veepcritique.blogspot.com/">student of public policy</a> who is <a href="http://terrorwonk.blogspot.com/2016/03/skybolt-historic-case-study-of.html">fascinated</a> with <a href="http://terrorwonk.blogspot.com/2016/04/bureaucratic-politics-of-pesach.html">government operations</a> I always wonder about all the other stuff going on in the Galactic Imperial Government. Since RogueOne featured a lot of planet-scale mayhem, I wondered about </span><span style="font-size: 12.800000190734863px;">the thankless job of Galactic Empire Minister for the Environment (GEME). Here are some notes from their files.</span></span></i></div>
<div class="m_5842651106953596956p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="m_5842651106953596956p1" style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">
<span class="m_5842651106953596956s1">GEME: Lord Vader, building a Death Star takes lots of rare resources, the acquisition of which is having detrimental environmental effects across the galaxy. To avoid this we really need to look at green alternatives to ack, accchhh....</span></div>
<div class="m_5842651106953596956p2" style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">
<span class="m_5842651106953596956s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_5842651106953596956p1" style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">
<span class="m_5842651106953596956s1">VADER: The Emperor has chosen to prioritize job creation and planet destruction over environmental issues.</span></div>
<div class="m_5842651106953596956p2" style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">
<span class="m_5842651106953596956s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_5842651106953596956p1" style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">
<span class="m_5842651106953596956s1">----</span></div>
<div class="m_5842651106953596956p2" style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">
<span class="m_5842651106953596956s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_5842651106953596956p1" style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">
<span class="m_5842651106953596956s1">GEME: Grand Moff Tarkin, destroying Alderan also destroyed a number of unique species that did not exist anywhere and that we had not taken samples of. In the future you should notify us of what worlds you plan to destroy so we can do an environmental impact study and... ack, ack agggh...</span></div>
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<span class="m_5842651106953596956s1"></span><br /></div>
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<span class="m_5842651106953596956s1">-----</span></div>
<div class="m_5842651106953596956p2" style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">
<span class="m_5842651106953596956s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_5842651106953596956p1" style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfuo10j7s8t8l-cVBxeqppD7c0S1dYr211HYaqu-Knrlzv1ALlMSfjEPxQQEMnjNjKaBEUV5f502pmpXE9dhJWdRzO5M0MVjZZ8PivQEI5cId5KM88-KIRjveW3Dffu3Vkzt7Kdg/s1600/Ozzel_croaks.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="160" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfuo10j7s8t8l-cVBxeqppD7c0S1dYr211HYaqu-Knrlzv1ALlMSfjEPxQQEMnjNjKaBEUV5f502pmpXE9dhJWdRzO5M0MVjZZ8PivQEI5cId5KM88-KIRjveW3Dffu3Vkzt7Kdg/s320/Ozzel_croaks.jpg" width="320" /></a><span class="m_5842651106953596956s1">GEME: General Veers, I've been reviewing your assault plans for Hoth. We're very concerned about the heavy treads of the AT-ATs on the surface ice in the fragile tundra environment. Would you consider changing your attack plans maybe to lighter tread vehicles?</span></div>
<div class="m_5842651106953596956p2" style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">
<span class="m_5842651106953596956s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_5842651106953596956p1" style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">
<span class="m_5842651106953596956s1">VEERS: You would need to ask Lord Vader, I'm sure he can talk to you when he's done with Admiral Ozzel.</span></div>
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<span class="m_5842651106953596956s1"></span><br /></div>
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<span class="m_5842651106953596956s1">----</span></div>
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<span class="m_5842651106953596956s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="m_5842651106953596956p1" style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">
<span class="m_5842651106953596956s1">GEME: Jabba the Hutt, we have reports that you've been making unauthorized feedings to Sarlacc. Now that's a protected species so you'll need to desist and pay a fine. What's that cage opening? Are you keeping rare monsters as pets?</span></div>
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<span class="m_5842651106953596956s1"><br /></span></div>
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<span class="m_5842651106953596956s1">JABBA: HU! HU!</span></div>
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<span class="m_5842651106953596956s1"></span><br /></div>
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<span class="m_5842651106953596956s1">----</span></div>
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<span class="m_5842651106953596956s1">GEME: Emperor I've looked over the impact of that shield you are generating from Endor. There appears to be a semi-sentient species so extra conditions apply to any project there. Aaaaaa! Force lightning releases toxins into the atmosphere! Aaaaa!</span></div>
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<span class="m_5842651106953596956s1"><br /></span></div>
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<span class="m_5842651106953596956s1">EMPEROR: And now, annoying administrator... you will die.</span></div>
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Father Goofhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08310182415459788848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19676815.post-92230437049131764902016-09-18T21:42:00.001-04:002016-09-18T21:42:51.058-04:00Summer Camp Stories 2016 - Operation Dark Waters Part 4: The Thrilling Conclusion<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Finally, I am getting around to posting the thrilling conclusion to <u>Operation Dark Waters</u> (or what I did while my kids were on their summer vacation.) While the little Goofs are at sleepaway camp I write and send them stories (<a href="https://medium.com/@awmannes/a-fish-tale-what-i-wrote-to-my-kids-at-camp-bbd30583c210#.qtz80uaj1">here is 2015's story about how I travelled to Japan to save the world by eating sushi</a>). If you haven't been following the story (or have forgotten) here is: <a href="http://forfathersonly.blogspot.com/2016/07/summercamp-stories-2016-dark-waters.html">part 1</a> - <a href="http://forfathersonly.blogspot.com/2016/07/summer-camp-stories-2016-operation-dark.html">part 2</a> - and <a href="http://forfathersonly.blogspot.com/2016/07/summer-camp-stories-2016-operation-dark_67.html">part 3</a>.</i></div>
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<br /></div>
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July 11, 2016<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Operation Dark Waters<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Undisclosed Location North of the Arctic Circle</div>
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<br /></div>
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<i>USCGC Polar Night</i></div>
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<br /></div>
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Something huge came on the SonScape. It looked like a giant
spider on the back of a turtle. Or maybe it was a sort of castle. It was the
<i>Nautilus</i>! The five maple leafs formed a V and flew at it. We could hear their
communications.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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“Look at the size of that thing!” <o:p></o:p></div>
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“Cut the chatter, Red Two, eh,” Inspector MacKenzie ordered.
“Accelerate to attack speed. This is it boys!”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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The Captain and several on the bridge grinned. The maple
leafs began crisscrossing the <i>Nautilus</i>. We often lost sight of them; they came
so close to the giant ship. We watched smaller objects, missiles, fly back and
forth. Several seemed to hit the <i>Nautilus</i>. This went on for several minutes,
maybe half an hour. We heard a scream over the intercom.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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“We’ve lost one!” Inspector MacKenzie said flatly, “But I
think <i>Nautilus</i> is hurt. We’ll keep at it! You just stay silent and we’ll drive
her to you!”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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More watching. More waiting. Then, we heard MacKenzie scream
and a maple leaf flew straight at one of the spires. The maple leaf was gone,
but so was a big part of the spire.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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“Choppers up! Assault teams ready! ALL weapons locked and
loaded. We don’t know where Nemo will break through the ice, but we need to be
ready to open fire the instant she surfaces.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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The <i>Nautilus</i> began looming larger.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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“Oh no,” the Captain muttered, her face ashen. “Nemo must
know we are here. He’s going to surface under us. He’ll ram us from underneath!”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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“Captain, there’s no way,” the electronics officer
countered. “We are in full stealth mode!”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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“Nemo has survived out there a long time, we don’t know what
he knows. OK! Bring the engines back online, I want full speed double-quick.
That may not be fast enough to get out of Nemo’s way, we can’t push through
this ice that fast. ALL HANDS! Every crew member possible, get into assault
gear and GET OUT ON THE ICE! Every diver needs to join the diving team!”<o:p></o:p></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnibTQcjmOFprdqSMYNpMMXe74ulK-eBQ7pmeJgzMbsY8UUt56WQLFnefjEKYUTG_OuRoMCU3b50CMskda3DmH6yomL9FRa_2Q_d0aokMFY6TonSk6bTXOOU_yfPbHOzbkI-zdrw/s1600/400x267xpolarstaratmcmurdo-pagespeed-ic-2dpbzq7aqn.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnibTQcjmOFprdqSMYNpMMXe74ulK-eBQ7pmeJgzMbsY8UUt56WQLFnefjEKYUTG_OuRoMCU3b50CMskda3DmH6yomL9FRa_2Q_d0aokMFY6TonSk6bTXOOU_yfPbHOzbkI-zdrw/s640/400x267xpolarstaratmcmurdo-pagespeed-ic-2dpbzq7aqn.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is the USCG Polar Star, an ice-breaker and cousin ship to the Polar Night. Not pics of the USCG Polar Night are available since its existence is super-double secret classified. But it gives you an idea.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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The Captain looked at me, “That means you Mr. Mannes, you
are a diver!”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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“Sir, I’ve never been out of the tank and don’t I need to
take that pill?”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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“Mr. Mannes, there is no pill. Some people can live
underwater. You are one of them. Get with the diving team!”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I joined the divers at the airlock. There were about
twenty-five of us. Most had knives, some strange looking guns and orange bricks.
They handed me a pair of bricks and showed me how to cinch them to my belt.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The airlock opened and we plunged into the dark waters.<o:p></o:p></div>
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We saw the <i>Nautilus</i> coming at us. The <i>Polar Night</i> had gotten
her engines up and was pushing through the ice – slowly. Huge, like a fairy
tale castle, the Nautilus came up fast and struck the Polar Night a glancing
blow in the stern. The Polar Night is a big ship, but the force pushed her half
out of the ice. She slammed back into the water. The force of the collisions
generated huge waves pushing us far from the two ships. We heard over comms
that the ship was still operational. We could hear the Polar Night’s secondary
and light batteries open fire. Captain Mastronati was trying to get a little
more distance so she could deploy the main guns. If the Captain hadn’t realized
Nemo’s plan, the <i>Nautilus</i> would have surfaced directly under the Polar Night
and probably cut her in two.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We could hear the surface assault teams making their way
across the ice to board the <i>Nautilus</i>. They were taking fire. We began swimming
in for our own attack. It felt long, but maybe it was only a few minutes. I was
told to hand over a brick. Lt. Patil, the diving team leader, placed about a
dozen of them in a circle at the lowest point of the <i>Nautilus</i> we could reach.
We swam away and there was a crash and a concussive wave. Underwater
explosives.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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We swam into the hole and through the flooded corridors of
the ship. It was strange, we couldn’t see very well. So I can’t tell you much. We
came to an area not yet flooded. My lungs were heaving. Not because I was tired
from the swim – that seemed easy. But the air felt wrong. We heard voices
ahead. Then several divers moved forward, guns at the ready.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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There was a burst of gunfire and our scouts signaled we
could go ahead. There were seven men in the room. Six were dead. They were
dressed like gentleman from <i>Downtown Abbey</i>. I went to the man still alive and
asked him where we were on the ship. I didn’t understand his answer – but one
word sounded familiar.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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“I think he’s speaking French!” I yelled. “Can we patch in
the Canadians?”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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We did, and Staff Sargent Munro said, “He says you are too
late. Nemo’s dreams will be realized because of… I couldn’t quite make it out.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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“Cthulu!” I cried. “That’s the word I recognized. Nemo is
working with Cthulu, that’s the other sea monster – and they’ll destroy and
enslave humanity.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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“Give me your other brick,” Patil ordered. “We lucked out.
This is the break room for the ships engine. We’ll blow it and get out of
here.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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A few minutes later we were back in the dark waters. A huge
blast threw us as our explosives detonated. Cheering underwater is not very
satisfying. It just comes out as a bunch of blubs. But cheer we did. The
<i>Nautilus</i>, scourge of the seas for over a century, was no more.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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About an hour later I was standing in the Captain’s briefing
room with her top officers. My lungs burned with every breath. Captain
Mastronati was talking, “Thanks to Mr. Mannes, we now know who the real enemy
is. Cthulu. We’ll do field repairs and then start hunting. The surface teams
captured several other prisoners and seized some materials. We’ll learn more
from them. We have won the battle, but there is a long war ahead of us.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The Captain looked directly at me, “Mr. Mannes I’d be happy
to continue your detail. You were an asset. But you have an even bigger
decision to make. Your lungs are on fire, aren’t they?”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I nodded.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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“You are adapting to your nature. You are meant to live in
these waters. It will take about a year of living underwater. There are others
like you and the polar bears will look after you. After a year you can again breathe
air, for perhaps a few hours at a time. You don’t have to do this. If you stay
out of the water the feelings in your lungs will pass in a few weeks and you’ll
return to normal. You’ll never again dive in the deep. It is your choice. You
can go back to being Dr. Aaron Mannes. Or, you can fulfill your destiny as
Aqua-Mannes!” </div>
Father Goofhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08310182415459788848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19676815.post-19936384366620292492016-07-31T18:33:00.003-04:002016-07-31T18:40:31.392-04:00Summer Camp Stories 2016 - Operation Dark Waters Part 3<i><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">The continuing tales of a dad with too much free time writing stories for his kids at sleep-away camp. Start with <a href="http://forfathersonly.blogspot.com/2016/07/summercamp-stories-2016-dark-waters.html">part 1</a> and then <a href="http://forfathersonly.blogspot.com/2016/07/summer-camp-stories-2016-operation-dark.html">part 2</a>. Without them, this won't make much sense.</span></i><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i>
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">July 9, 2016<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">Undisclosed Location North of
the Arctic Circle<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">USGC Polar Night<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">Dear Kids,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">We had a real breakthrough. I
can really talk to Artie. He’s about 400 years old (young for a sea monster).
He said there are two great and horrible sea monsters, they have only been in
the North for a little while and they have enslaved the lesser monsters. One he
said has a hard, hard shell – like our ships – and knows about us (that is
humans). The other he couldn’t describe except to say it was more terrible.
Even being near it could hurt your mind.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">I reported this to the
Captain, she looked right at me and said one word, “Nemo.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">“Huh?” I answered.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">“Did you ever read <a href="http://www.online-literature.com/verne/leaguesunder/">20,000 Leagues Under the Sea</a>, Mr. Mannes?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">“Sure, <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jules_Verne">Jules Verne</a>, the <i>Nautilus</i>,
Captain Nemo. What does that have to do with anything?”<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">“It’s real. The novel was a
leaked intelligence report, <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mycroft_Holmes">Mycroft Holmes</a> had the brilliant idea to label it
fiction so no one would believe it.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">“Mycroft Holmes?” I muttered
quizzically.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHl7SLQ7SVs8u0lq3TzEewjs4yW8FrGdnL890eBFWKcY_iu815f4JPqYX2N06vq-hSAkBMy4PG3Y9ma7ixQvFFLMSwlSEegDNrKlT1CMeSO82ll0iJWYmFzW1CktCPXYvTLWOy-g/s1600/20Kleagues.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHl7SLQ7SVs8u0lq3TzEewjs4yW8FrGdnL890eBFWKcY_iu815f4JPqYX2N06vq-hSAkBMy4PG3Y9ma7ixQvFFLMSwlSEegDNrKlT1CMeSO82ll0iJWYmFzW1CktCPXYvTLWOy-g/s1600/20Kleagues.jpeg" /></span></a><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">“Sherlock Holmes’ brother,
head of MI-5, yes that’s all real too. Later! Nemo is still out there. We
haven’t heard much from Nemo for about 50 years, but that psychotic genius is
still out there.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">“Wouldn’t he be like 200
years old?” I asked.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">“He’s an evil genius who
hates humanity and invented stuff 150 years ago that we still haven’t figured
out. Or maybe it’s his son. Who knows? But your description fits him
perfectly.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">She turned to the
intelligence officer, “Get on the growler and find out what the polar bears
know.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">“Is that a communications
network,” I asked.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">“No, we can talk to the polar
bears. They know everything going on up here,” she turned to the XO, “Get the
Canadians on the horn. If we are fighting the Nautiilus, we are going to need
some help.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">Things were silent for a moment
and the Captain looked at us and spoke gravely, “Commence Operation Finding
Nemo!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">-------</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background: white;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">July
11, 2016<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 11.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background: white;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">Undisclosed Location North of the Arctic Circle</span></div>
<div style="background: white;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 11.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background: white;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">USGC
Polar Night<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 11.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background: white;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 11pt;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">“All
hands, this is Captain Mastronati. For the past several days we have been
tracking the Nautilus. We have found her. With our Canadian allies we will
bring her to battle. Captain Nemo has terrorized the world's oceans for over a
century. But now, he has suborned the sea monsters we monitor and is not merely
threatening maritime traffic, but humanity itself. This will be a hard fight.
Nemo is a deadly foe with unknown technologies. Nonetheless, having served with
you for two years in these dark waters, I will say that there is no crew I
would rather have under my command for this mission. We may pay a heavy price,
but we will be victorious. We are the Coast Guard, our mission is to keep the
waters safe and our motto is semper paratus - always ready! If that means
sailing into a storm to save drowning sailors: we are always ready. If that
means charting unknown waters, we are always ready. And if it means a fight, we
are always ready! SEMPER PARATUS!”</span><span style="font-family: "cambria";"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="background: white;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 11.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background: white;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">The
ship's bridge and corridors echoed the Captain's call. Then the Polar Night sat
quietly in the ice, waiting.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 11.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">“Sir, it’s the growler! The
polar bears have a precise sector,” the bridge intelligence officer said.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">“Go silent, still engines,
direct max passive sonars in his direction! Get the Inspector MacKenzie on the
horn.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">“Sir, the polar bears have a
message for Mr. Mannes.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">She gestured and I took the handset,
I deep soft voice, with a hint of growl said, <i>“Los osos blancos, son cremosos!”</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">“You gave the polar bears my
background file?” I said in surprise. The barest hint of a grin passed over the
Captain’s face.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">“Inspector MacKenzie here. We
are tracking him and will engage momentarily! Squadron aboot!” A voice came
over the speaker.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">“Excellent,” the Captain
replied. “Remember the plan. You force him to surface. He can break through the
ice, but he’ll be stuck. Then we will neutralize the Nautilus with our main
guns.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">“Don’t worry! The Mounties
always get their man!” MacKenzie said politely.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">“Um, Captain,” something was
bothering me. “There is another sea monster out there. Something that Artie was
even more afraid of than the Nautilus. We need to get intelligence on this. If
you just destroy the Nautilus…”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">“Mr. Mannes,” she turned to
me, I was ready to get chewed out. “You are correct. We’ll disable the Nautilus
and then board. Prepare two assault teams and a team of divers. Full armament!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">We watched the SonScape. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">“Kind of neat that you use
maple leafs to identify the Canadian ships. They are really fast,” I observed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">“Those aren’t
visualizations,” Lopez explained. “The maple leaf is a special
super-hydrodynamic design. They are the fastest thing underwater. But they
don’t have much firepower. The can harass the Nautilus. They’ll do some
superficial damage that forces her to the surface. Then, the fireworks start!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 11.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Lopez was pulling on arctic
assault gear and examining her assault rifle. Suddenly, I was very, very
scared.</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
Father Goofhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08310182415459788848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19676815.post-89118965705160735582016-07-19T07:28:00.004-04:002016-07-19T07:43:14.150-04:00Summer Camp Stories 2016 - Operation Dark Waters Part 2<i style="color: #666666; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Trebuchet, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">While the little Goofs are away at camp, I write them stories. <a href="https://medium.com/@awmannes/a-fish-tale-what-i-wrote-to-my-kids-at-camp-bbd30583c210#.tf68i81ge">Last year I traveled to Japan to save the world by eating sushi.</a> This year, the nautical theme continues, but is way, way different. <a href="http://forfathersonly.blogspot.com/2016/07/summercamp-stories-2016-dark-waters.html">Part 1 is here</a>.</i><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="background-color: #fefefe; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; line-height: normal; widows: 1;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="background-color: #fefefe; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; line-height: normal; widows: 1;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="background-color: #fefefe; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; line-height: normal; widows: 1;">USGC Polar Night</span><br style="background-color: #fefefe; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; line-height: normal; widows: 1;" /><span style="background-color: #fefefe; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; line-height: normal; widows: 1;"><br /></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #fefefe; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; line-height: normal; widows: 1;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Operation Dark Waters </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #fefefe; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; line-height: normal; widows: 1;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: #fefefe; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; line-height: normal; widows: 1;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Dear Kids, </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #fefefe; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; line-height: normal; widows: 1;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: #fefefe; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; line-height: normal; widows: 1;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Sorry I haven't written to you. I've been so busy up here. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #fefefe; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; line-height: normal; widows: 1;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="background-color: #fefefe; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; line-height: normal; widows: 1;">Now that I'm fully briefed, I've been reading up on all the different phenomenon up here in the Arctic. There is stuff that goes back centuries. Eskimo lore is in the database. </span><span style="background-color: #fefefe; widows: 1;">We've been doing all kinds of analytics on the monsters and I made a discovery.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #fefefe; widows: 1;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: #fefefe; widows: 1;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">There was a distinct change in the sea monster behavior about fifty years ago. They began acting with coordination, like a network. Then about 25 years ago they began acting against human operations in a coordinated way. They'd always attacked people, but in the early 1990s they began to consistently attack ships and stations that were important strategically. To me that means they have some access to information about the human world. Where are they getting it? </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #fefefe; widows: 1;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: #fefefe; widows: 1;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">That, in my mind is the critical question. If we find it, we can cut it off or feed them false information - or maybe even negotiate. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #fefefe; widows: 1;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: #fefefe; widows: 1;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">I'm presenting this to the Captain soon. Don't know if she'll like it - she thinks I'm a doofus.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #fefefe; widows: 1;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: #fefefe; widows: 1;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Another amazing thing, they have deep-sea Arctic divers. They take some pills and they can swim underwater indefinitely and see! Anyone can do it! I took it (I kept calling ti Gillyweed which annoyed the Captain). I haven't been in the ocean yet, but I've been swimming around the giant tank. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #fefefe; widows: 1;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: #fefefe; widows: 1;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">One last thing, because of operational security, not even mommy knows I'm here. They made a clone of me to stay at home! They'll download the clones memories into mine when I get home. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #fefefe; widows: 1;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: #fefefe; widows: 1;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Love, </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #fefefe; widows: 1;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Diver Dad</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #fefefe; widows: 1;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">--------</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">July 8, 2016</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Undisclosed Location North of the Arctic Circle</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">USGC Polar Night</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Dear Kids,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">My presentation to Captain Mastronati went well. She didn't say anything complimentary. But when I finished, she nodded and said, "OK."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">High praise from her! The way you break up a terrorist group is to infiltrate it, get someone inside who can tell you what they are up to. My idea is to do the same thing with the sea monsters.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">We are pretty sure the sea monster we just captured is pretty intelligent. We gave it different objects and the way it manipulated them was systematic and analytical. It also tried to use them to break out of the holding tank and escape. Given some tires and chains it fashioned a tool to smash out of its tank. The tank was too strong (we aren't dumb) but clearly this thing can think.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">We've named it Artie, the Arctic Monster although we have no idea if it is male or female.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">We've developed a plan to communicate with it and I am part of the team. We have several different strategies. We know it can see and hear. It communicates at low frequencies, we have a modulator that allows us to pick up its sounds and move our sounds to a frequency it can understand. It can hear sounds at our hearing range but probably wouldn't understand them as communication.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">I’ve been playing a lead role in this: going into the tank and trying to communicate with Artie. I seem to be a natural. We played catch and fetch. It threw a tire with its weird T-Rex hands and I’d go get it. I “talk” to it with the modulator device. One time though it grabbed me and held me. I waited to see what it would do. It didn’t try to eat me. I think it was going to hold me hostage in order to be released. I know this thing is smart. But I set the modulator on stun and pulsed it. It let me go, but I’ve been more careful since.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">I’m really getting somewhere with this and can stay in the tank for over an hour.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Love,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Deep Dark Dad</span>Father Goofhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08310182415459788848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19676815.post-38008848212820135762016-07-10T02:10:00.001-04:002016-07-10T02:13:15.453-04:00SummerCamp Stories 2016 - Dark Waters Part 1<i>While the little Goofs are away at camp, I write them stories. Last year <a href="https://medium.com/@awmannes/a-fish-tale-what-i-wrote-to-my-kids-at-camp-bbd30583c210#.qtz80uaj1">I traveled to Japan to save the world by eating sushi.</a> This year, the nautical theme continues, but is way, way different.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<br />
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June 30, 2016<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Undisclosed Location North of the Arctic Circle<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i>USCGC Polar Night</i><o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I could not tell you this before, but the clearance process
means everything reaches you about a week after it happens, so there is no
danger of releasing classified operational information.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I have been seconded to a top secret Coast Guard Icebreaker,
the <i>Polar Night</i>. This ship is unlisted in the official records, so you can’t
see it on the web. It isn’t like the other Coast Guard Icebreakers. This ship
is designed to go deep into the Arctic for months at a time. It is actually a
combination icebreaker/submarine.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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It has on board laboratories for biology, physics,
chemistry, you name it! The ship has its own super-computing facilities and can
do a full on genome in house.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I don’t know much about why they want me here or what I am
supposed to do. We’ve only been at sea for a day. I got here on an emergency
jet to Barrow, Alaska. I got on bored the ship and immediately it submerged and
headed for the North Pole. I haven’t even had ships orientation.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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But here’s the craziest thing about this ship. In the
middle, almost as though the ship is built around it, is an enormous water tank
– bigger than an Olympic Pool! I asked about doing laps in it, but they said
no, they had to keep it at Arctic temperatures. That doesn’t sound right,
because I’ve seen people – not in wetsuits – swimming in it (they also didn’t
have scuba gear and were really deep in this tank.)<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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The food is pretty good, but not much variety. Fish-sticks,
fish-sticks, fish-sticks.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
-------</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
July 2, 2016<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Undisclosed Location North of the Arctic Circle<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>USCGC Polar Night</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This morning (well you don’t really know if it is morning,
we are deep under-water and when we surface, it’s Arctic summer so the sun is
up constantly, so day and night have no real meaning), the ship sirens woke me.
The intercom blared, “Report to battle stations.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I threw on my clothes and reported to the bridge. I didn’t
know what the Captain wanted me to do, but she told that was my battle station.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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“Mr. Starrs,” Captain Mastronati ordered, “Best estimates,
how big is our encounter and what is it.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Predictive engine says a SeaSlug, about 20 tons. Confidence
is on 45%,” the data tech answered.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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“SeaSlug…” I muttered, “Is that a new kind of Russian
mini-sub, I’ve never heard of it.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Mr. Lopez (who was actually a woman I’d had lunch with –
fish-sticks) whispered, “This is not a Russian sub. You’ll see. I’ll answer any
questions.” <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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The Captain ordered the tech crew, “Get us in closer and get
it up on SonScape.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I heard the distant hum of the ships engines get a little
louder, still quiet considering the size. A giant hologram appeared in the
middle of the bridge.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“That’s SonScape, it’s an in-depth visualization of the
space around the ship using sonar,” Lopez whispered.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Something moved through the corner of the hologram, just
crossing the corner – fast.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“That is NOT a SeaSlug! Way to fast.” Mr. Starr exclaimed.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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“Mr. Trang, I would like to try our new pulse lance. Do you
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<br /></div>
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“Yes sir!” Trang said with a grin.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then things were silent. We waited. The blip flitted across
the corner of the hologram a few more times. Then it was solidly inside the
hologram, swimming around. A weird conic blur went through the hologram towards
the “thing” and it stopped moving.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Nice shot!” someone exclaimed.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Move in closer for pick-up. Divers ready at 50 meters,” the
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A few minutes later the “thing” on the hologram was close.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Let’s show Mr. Mannes what we’ve found. Visual!”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Dr. Mannes,” I muttered, but stopped talking suddenly. The
hologram shifted to a giant projection. Nest to the ship was an enormous sea
creature. It didn’t look like a fish, more reptilian, like a giant lizard with
bumpy skin and huge eyes. Except it had four little T-Rex arms near its mouth.<o:p></o:p></div>
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“A little one. Only 20 tons,” Lopez whispered. “About the
size of a blue whale.”<o:p></o:p></div>
Father Goofhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08310182415459788848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19676815.post-66227544356334877042016-06-10T08:21:00.001-04:002016-06-10T08:21:47.380-04:00Campaign Season for GoofBoyGoofBoy is running to be president of his USY (United Synagogue Youth) chapter and I had some helpful advice for him.<div><br></div><div>I don't know much about youth groups. I didn't belong to one when I was a teenager because I didn't like the other youth much (the feeling was mutual). But I do know a bit about politics. GoofBoy was running against his best friend, CarpoolBuddy. Since I've known this kid since he was born, I thought I might be able to identify some critical weaknesses. So I wrote him a campaign strategy memo.</div><div><br></div><div>-----</div><div><br></div><div><i>Overall Campaign Theme: </i>Promise to make USY great again. Emphasize that the leadership is stupid but that you are smart. Don't offer any specifics beyond that except that it's <b>gonna be huuuuge!</b></div><div><br></div><div><i>Attack Strategies:</i></div><div><i><br></i></div><div><i>1. Insiders: </i>CarpoolBuddy's parents met at USY, he was practically born into it. He is a USY insider, part of the USY elite. You are an outsider who isn't beholden to the big USY power brokers and can make big changes,</div><div><br></div><div><i>2. Cruz him! </i>CarpoolBuddy's father is Canadian (a fact that plays a larger role in my life than his). Raise questions about his eligibility for the highest office. It doesn't matter if the charge is legitimate or not, it will raise questions and he'll spend so much energy defending himself that it will distract his campaign.</div><div><br></div><div><i>Dirty Tricks:</i></div><div><i><br></i></div><div>Try to get inside his camp for intelligence. Get CarpoolGal to hack into her brother's laptop and leak his speech to you. Also lets find out what his delegate strategy is!</div><div><br></div><div>-----</div><div><br></div><div>GoofBoy, of course, rejected my suggestions and said if he lost he could just be Vice President and get his term as President next year. Of course if GoofBoy is Vice President then I am full of suggestions!</div>Father Goofhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08310182415459788848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19676815.post-67207668798246833212016-05-17T07:09:00.001-04:002016-05-17T07:09:11.949-04:00Kids (of all ages) Love Trucks!<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; line-height: normal; widows: 1;">
Kids love trucks. They are big, they are loud are powerful. Trucks do stuff. They pick up garbage, lift people up high to fix things, and sometimes have sirens. Some are so big they can carry cars. Kids are small and often want to do these things but are not allowed. Kids love trucks. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7CXQEHqNbc9tvLGpIGEpjbwHSPgK8ljdhl-LMkSPfQtusQEVdtF_c_NgQSDoYE_Zg2K0uoGSYxZHJPcqoEC-M_GwRH84oWv4CWWv2ww_CvMWgRV7N0a4SPXdkyB88GoekwYwxlg/s1600/Scarry.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7CXQEHqNbc9tvLGpIGEpjbwHSPgK8ljdhl-LMkSPfQtusQEVdtF_c_NgQSDoYE_Zg2K0uoGSYxZHJPcqoEC-M_GwRH84oWv4CWWv2ww_CvMWgRV7N0a4SPXdkyB88GoekwYwxlg/s200/Scarry.jpg" width="172" /></a></div>
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The daycare at my synagogue (where I sent the little Goofs back in the day) sponsors an annual day of <a href="http://tikvatisrael.org/oversized-trucks-revisit-ti-may-15/#.Vzr24JMrJTY">Truck Touch</a>! The parking is filled with trucks, and there is food, and activities. It is like a <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Richard-Scarry/e/B000AQ3290">Richard Scarry</a> book come to life.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikMl2IsI1Ssvm6EwsUVpKd_0OOz5hFMYAbDzoZ_gtGCXzngSTbM9_4WmMCQOJKGHyxj_XHzl1nr_xjTzEvZkCxff_toYEMAFFnRoy4FV9LaAUfiQlczIB2pvxWBw1Utt6ebcnhEg/s1600/IMG_0265.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikMl2IsI1Ssvm6EwsUVpKd_0OOz5hFMYAbDzoZ_gtGCXzngSTbM9_4WmMCQOJKGHyxj_XHzl1nr_xjTzEvZkCxff_toYEMAFFnRoy4FV9LaAUfiQlczIB2pvxWBw1Utt6ebcnhEg/s200/IMG_0265.JPG" width="200" /></a>Naturally I volunteered to help. I proposed that I drive the dump truck. We would have a fire truck spray water and make a big mud puddle. Then I'd get all the kids in the back of the dump truck, drive them around, and dump them into the mud. Then we'd use the fire hoses to clean them up. Best of all, if any kids got hurt (unlikely, I know all about dump trucks, I've had a Tonka truck for over 40 years) there's an ambulance right there.</div>
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I kept pestering the nice young woman who organizes the event about this idea. (She already has two pre-school boys to wrangle, I really should leave her be - but occasionally I have to give MamaGoof a break from my madness.)</div>
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The little Goofs sent her emails:</div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Thanks so much for letting my dad drive the dump truck. He's so excited, it's all he's been talking about all week. He's been running around the house singing the dump truck song.</blockquote>
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<span style="font-size: 12.8px;">My proposal was not accepted, I was put on ticket sales (which I did diligently!) And about a million kids came and they all had a great time!</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEIT8Z-j_m_MbftGZ_KPQG_fSt26yiug0Ydlkx0xkPbbBe6aFIstxCFEKgvlhkYRLMqkffY7yfgoYaeKX5eMtI54ih313tA5SskOk_0wu0JXewRMsLS30d_sHS0sueE2g5ytV-ew/s1600/IMG_0270.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEIT8Z-j_m_MbftGZ_KPQG_fSt26yiug0Ydlkx0xkPbbBe6aFIstxCFEKgvlhkYRLMqkffY7yfgoYaeKX5eMtI54ih313tA5SskOk_0wu0JXewRMsLS30d_sHS0sueE2g5ytV-ew/s200/IMG_0270.JPG" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Zoom in to see the big grin on my face!</td></tr>
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However, I did take some time off from my arduous back-breaking labor to SEE THE TRUCKS! I did (sort of) drive the trash truck. More importantly when one of the little boys I mentioned was disconsolate because he wasn't getting his turn at the wheel, I caught his eye and asked if he wanted to drive the coolest truck in the world. He nodded sadly - not believing in much of anything after being denied time in the drivers seat of a Ford F-150. I propped him up on my shoulders and let him grab my hair and dr<span style="background-color: transparent;">ive. Not easy since I don't have much hair left. <a href="http://forfathersonly.blogspot.com/2009/01/robot-rampage-and-other-things-daddies.html">(GoofGirl pulled it all out sitting on my shoulders.)</a></span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj10imaeZNscvFvC7ItcGwJkVURCaijeF8Urs-IvzU1WNk9hGgwCijGTJBz_KOxB22fZf4ZoffJDAivCOQjwXJk6ddjXVKVOq90vmXzQsz6XVHloPRTVjkhaUumWkGpZl7vwM-S7Q/s1600/IMG_5598.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj10imaeZNscvFvC7ItcGwJkVURCaijeF8Urs-IvzU1WNk9hGgwCijGTJBz_KOxB22fZf4ZoffJDAivCOQjwXJk6ddjXVKVOq90vmXzQsz6XVHloPRTVjkhaUumWkGpZl7vwM-S7Q/s200/IMG_5598.JPG" width="150" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Don't drive the truck! Be the truck!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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So I didn't get to drive a truck, but really I did one better. I got to be a truck. And really, on some level, that's what every kid wants.</div>
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Father Goofhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08310182415459788848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19676815.post-80821289827385976052016-05-08T18:31:00.000-04:002016-05-08T18:31:43.538-04:00Missing Mama<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">At my mother-in-law's funeral I met one of my wife's cousins. He
was a very nice man and he kept in touch with his beloved aunt. When we met he
knew all about me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">"I heard you wrote a book. Mama Lupe told me all about
it." They called her Mama Lupe because, as the eldest daughter in an
enormous family, a great deal of mothering was delegated to her.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">My background was so very, very different from my mother-in-law.
I had very little idea what, if anything, she understood about what I do. (It
was not always clear to me that my own parents understood much about what I do
either.) But apparently she got a lot more than I realized, and she was very
proud.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">After Mama died, my wife found a shopping bag candy in her room, and candies in her mother's
handbag and the pockets of her clothes. My mother-in-law really should not have been eating bags of candy. Mama's sweet tooth was a well-established fact.
When my wife mentioned this to her sister who lived closer by, her sister
explained that Mama wasn't eating the candy herself. She was handing it out
when she went shopping. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">Once, my sister-in-law reported, they were on a shopping trip
together and Mama had been giving candy to all of the greeters and stock clerks
and cashiers. As she was leaving a store, one worker jokingly called out,
"What, no candy for me?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">Mama was not moving so easily. But she bustled back to make sure
the store clerk got his dose of sweetness.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">My mother-in-law was a force of nature. And if she had your
back, she had your back.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">The first time I visited my wife's parents in LA, Mama went to
the kitchen to prepare dinner. This was a great honor; most of the cooking was
done by Nana at this point. But for the great guest (me) all the stops were
pulled out. Then I heard the banging. The future MamaGoof (FMG) explained to me,
"She is tenderizing the meat with a hammer. It's gonna be
good!"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">And so it was.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">But I also got the message. Be good to this woman and her
family, because she knows how to use a hammer.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">We'd actually met some time before, at the FMG's
PhD graduation. It happened to be the day of death for <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Menachem_Mendel_Schneerson">Rebbe MenachemSchneerson</a>, who some believed was the Messiah of the Jewish people (there's a
whole, whole lot of theology tied up in here.) Mama who monitored world affairs
from her couch knew everything going on the world and knowing I was Jewish
informed me, "Your Messiah died."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">"I'd better get my instructions!" I joked and started
to get up from the breakfast table.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">She
laughed, I'd passed a test. She was a devout Catholic herself, but more than
willing to be tolerant. But she was testing my character a little – fortunately
I passed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigMKuQR5xeH2-Ud06eVd2hCMm3OtT4l1VAZZrr9GGIQjPLmhQjEaloKhJ52O3CwE_grEWJMCwNiR8pNkqbjhPk1UZiGJMkP2hxeux26SkQYjZLipupYc4S_zmr-HW5QOqjIK58gQ/s1600/IMG_0314.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigMKuQR5xeH2-Ud06eVd2hCMm3OtT4l1VAZZrr9GGIQjPLmhQjEaloKhJ52O3CwE_grEWJMCwNiR8pNkqbjhPk1UZiGJMkP2hxeux26SkQYjZLipupYc4S_zmr-HW5QOqjIK58gQ/s400/IMG_0314.JPG" width="298" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">Mama
was born in Guadalajara, one of 15, where her father was the
foreman on a ranch. At a young age she was married off to an older man who wanted her to clean
his hotel. She fled, made her way north and worked in the fields of central California for a few
years. (This was the 1950s, immigration wasn’t an issue). It was a hard life.
She worked as a housekeeper and as a seamstress. At the factory she became friends with
a woman who had a <a href="http://forfathersonly.blogspot.com/2013/06/missing-papa-part-1.html">brother</a>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-size: 13pt;">Together </span><span style="font-size: 17px;">they</span><span style="font-size: 13pt;"> had four children and she managed the house, pinching pennies so they could all
go to Catholic school (instead of LA public schools) where they all excelled (2
MDs, a PhD, and a dental hygienist – the American dream!) She was smart with
her money, </span></span><a href="http://forfathersonly.blogspot.com/2008/06/fathers-day-finances-mamawala.html" style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13pt;">but also generous.</a><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-size: 13pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">She
loved being a grandmother. I mentioned how Mama cooked for me, but <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">los ninos </i>could have <u>anything</u>
their little hearts desired – cookies, candy, fries (she hadn't cooked since the steaks I mentioned above).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">Her
husband and sister-in-law (N<a href="http://forfathersonly.blogspot.com/2011/12/tiny-woman-giant-in-kindness.html">ana lived with them and they were like sisters</a>) had
difficult declining years. <a href="http://forfathersonly.blogspot.com/2013/06/missing-papa-part-ii_30.html">I’ve written about it before, and I am sad just thinking about it.</a> But, after Nana left us and Papa was placed in a home where
he got the care he needed, Mama seemed relaxed. We figured she was good for
another decade of telenovelas and visits.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">Unfortunately,
that was not to be. My wife misses her <i>Mama</i>, the little Goofs miss their <i>Abuelita</i>, and I miss her too.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
Father Goofhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08310182415459788848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19676815.post-17162758139911395182016-04-19T22:15:00.002-04:002016-05-01T20:30:15.772-04:00A Typical Tubey DayToday was a great snapshot into life with me.<br />
<br />
I woke up tired and grumpy. I headed downstairs to zap a piece of quiche for breakfast. Then my day got much, much better. There was only a little bit of wax paper (to cover the quiche) left on the roll. That left me a cardboard tube - a new toy.<br />
<br />
When I finished my quiche I used the tube as a trumpet and "played" a bit of Mussorgsky's <i>Pictures at an Exhibition.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Then I went upstairs waving the tube excitedly. MamaGoof saw me and said, "Oh, the wax paper roll. I heard you and was wondering where you got a cardboard tube. I knew it wasn't from a toilet paper roll."<br />
<br />
"It's TUBEY! My new friend!" I announced.<br />
<br />
"Your son isn't getting up. Go get him out of bed." MamaGoof has mastered the art of redirection, it's a survival skill.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBrGnGquZXU5EaFcvPv2CtptM4I3p8_R51ZOMbBbCH39ktlJ_nSrKdBrLxF9JuI5M9slMRHWJOvhua-v89P8urEHgBMBvXk87nw7gL-gpGfLeexs5DetfREH0txPNIxNFyCkoZ2A/s1600/IMG_0234.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBrGnGquZXU5EaFcvPv2CtptM4I3p8_R51ZOMbBbCH39ktlJ_nSrKdBrLxF9JuI5M9slMRHWJOvhua-v89P8urEHgBMBvXk87nw7gL-gpGfLeexs5DetfREH0txPNIxNFyCkoZ2A/s320/IMG_0234.JPG" width="240" /></a>I burst into GoofBoy's room, took the cardboard tube and played <i>Reveille. </i>Then I jumped on his bed and bonked him on the head.<br />
<br />
"Why Dad? Why?"<br />
<br />
"It's TUBEY!" I yelled, "Anyway, get up, you have a field trip today and then a week and a half home from school."<br />
<br />
GoofBoy's field trip took him downtown. I knew he'd be having lunch at a park just a block and a half from my office. I had planned to surprise him.<br />
<br />
But now, I could bonk him on the head with a cardboard tube!<br />
<br />
In front of his friends!<br />
<br />
Oh happy day!<br />
<br />
<b>Several hours later...</b><br />
Walking to my office from a meeting I ran into GoofBoy and his class on the street. Unplanned. They were surprised. I walked with them to the park and asked about their trip.<br />
<br />
A work colleague came by with his puppy (he lives near by and walks his dog over lunch - lucky!) With GoofBoy and his friends distracted by the dog, I got TUBEY out of my bag and bonked GoofBoy on the head a few times.<br />
<br />
"Really Dad, have you been planning this all day? Don't you ever have work to do?"<br />
<br />
"Yes and sometimes."<br />
<br />
"Can you hit my friends on the head?"<br />
<br />
"Sure!"<br />
<br />
And I did! Each and every one of them.<br />
<br />
------<br />
<br />
This was not a particularly unusual day for me.<br />
<br />
<i>Update: GoofGirl was apprised of the plan that morning. But she did not tell her brother (which I assumed she would). So he really was surprised to see me downtown.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Good OPSEC GoofGirl!</i>Father Goofhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08310182415459788848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19676815.post-62457675438334085032016-02-06T23:20:00.003-05:002016-02-06T23:20:56.404-05:00Postal Memories & Postal Movies<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px; line-height: normal; widows: 1;">
In writing about my visit to the <a href="http://forfathersonly.blogspot.com/2016/01/going-postal-yet-another-adventure-with.html">Postal Museum with GoofGirl</a>, I forgot the most important and interesting thing. </div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px; line-height: normal; widows: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px; line-height: normal; widows: 1;">
When I went back to College after delivering the mail all summer I made up fantastic tales of the doings at the post office.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px; line-height: normal; widows: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px; line-height: normal; widows: 1;">
Kicking it back and forth with my friend David Schneider, we start sketching out a movie centering around corruption at the post office. We didn't get very far with it, just had some fun.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px; line-height: normal; widows: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px; line-height: normal; widows: 1;">
Fast forward five years. I was driving cross-country with a friend who was relocating to LA. My plan was to stay with Dave (who was making his way as a screen-writer) for a few days in LA while I waited for my then girlfriend - now the long-suffering MamaGoof - to fly out to LA. From the Grand Canyon I gave Dave a call (this was before cellphones became ubiquitous). I was telling him my planned ETA and he responded, "Sure, but can you come in that afternoon instead of that night?"</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px; line-height: normal; widows: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px; line-height: normal; widows: 1;">
"Sure, we can always leave Vegas earlier. But, why?"</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px; line-height: normal; widows: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px; line-height: normal; widows: 1;">
"Your movie is opening."</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px; line-height: normal; widows: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px; line-height: normal; widows: 1;">
<iframe width="320" height="266" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/mjJ2ezSUP2Y/0.jpg" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/mjJ2ezSUP2Y?feature=player_embedded" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>"What? Huh?"</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px; line-height: normal; widows: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px; line-height: normal; widows: 1;">
"Remember our movie about corruption at the post office, will we wrote it, it was made, and it's opening that night."</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px; line-height: normal; widows: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px; line-height: normal; widows: 1;">
Well okay then.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px; line-height: normal; widows: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px; line-height: normal; widows: 1;">
In fairness, the movie <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0118557/?ref_=nm_flmg_wr_26">Address Unknown</a> - which was a great boys adventure - was only vaguely linked to the ideas we had kicked around years before. But there was a corrupt postmaster, so it was sort of our story. Dave and his <a href="http://drewdaywalt/">co-author Drew</a> were kind enough to introduce me around as the original inspiration.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px; line-height: normal; widows: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px; line-height: normal; widows: 1;">
(The trailer is here - I don't know why it has Dutch subtitles.)</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px; line-height: normal; widows: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px; line-height: normal; widows: 1;">
So, there it was. I was at the Hollywood opening night of MY movie. Many have had the dream. I lived it - thanks to a summer job at the post office.</div>
Father Goofhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08310182415459788848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19676815.post-26958008839601007702016-01-16T20:56:00.001-05:002016-01-16T20:56:12.044-05:00Going Postal: Yet another adventure with GoofGirlGoofGirl wanted an adventure, so we headed downtown. Her first priority was the <a href="http://www.nbm.org/">National Building Museum</a>. We'd <a href="http://forfathersonly.blogspot.com/2011/01/wright-gift-for-man-who-has-everything.html">been before</a>, but there was a <a href="http://www.nbm.org/exhibitions-collections/exhibitions/the-beach.html">Beach exhibit</a> there much of the summer that GoofGirl really wanted to see. This exhibit got a <b>lot</b> of attention, I never quite saw the attraction. It was supposed to be a beach, but with plastic balls in which one could jump or swim. People <i>loved</i> it. I thought it was just a really big ball pit - like at Chuckie Cheese.<br />
<br />
GoofGirl wanted to see it so we went. We saw the line out the door to get into the "beach" and GoofGirl agreed that we should just go to the second level of the museum where we could get a good look. She didn't need to spend the day waiting in line.<br />
<br />
After a visit to the gift shop (where GoofGirl bought a pair of the plastic balls - apparently planning to start her own beach), we headed on.<br />
<br />
Knowing that the Beach might be packed, we had a back-up plan. GoofGirl wants to visit all of the Smithsonian Museums. She is doing pretty well. She's had me take her to the <a href="http://forfathersonly.blogspot.com/2009/07/summer-adventures-afternoon-at-museum.html">Museum of Natural History</a>, the Museum of American History, the National Portrait Gallery, the <a href="http://forfathersonly.blogspot.com/2015/02/goofgirl-visits-museum-of-american.html">Museum of the American Indian</a>, the Freer and Sackler Galleries, and of course the <a href="http://forfathersonly.blogspot.com/2012/12/adventures-with-goofgirl.html">National Zoo</a>.<br />
<br />
On this day, GoofGirl had the <a href="http://postalmuseum.si.edu/">National Postal Museum</a> in her sights.<br />
<br />
There were a pair of brief detours. First, I insisted we stop at the <a href="http://njamf.com/index.html">Japanese American Memorial to Patriotism During World War II</a>. A modest monument not far from Capitol Hill, it is a solemn space remember a great injustice. We talked about the sculpture of an eagle entangled in barbed wire as a fitting symbol.<br />
<br />
We visited the <a href="http://www.aoc.gov/capitol-grounds/robert-taft-memorial-and-carillon">memorial to distinguished Senator Robert Taft</a>. I explained he was the son of <i>that </i>Taft and GoofGirl observed, "He wasn't the man his father was."<br />
<br />
True that.<br />
<br />
<b>The National Postal Museum</b><br />
GoofGirl enjoyed exploring the stamps including the famed <a href="http://postalmuseum.si.edu/stampgallery/magenta.html">One-Cent Magenta</a>! There was a time when stamps were objects of wonder, tiny windows into exotic places and also the identity of nations and peoples. Extremely rare stamps were critical elements in adventures and mysteries. The <a href="http://terrorwonk.blogspot.com/2015/11/last-week-i-wrote-about-visiting-postal.html">importance of postal services</a>, while much reduced now thanks to telecommunications, cannot be underestimated and stamps remain a window - albeit less viewed.<br />
<br />
The mail has touched on terrible things and GoofGirl was horrified in the <a href="http://terrorwonk.blogspot.com/2015/10/visit-to-postal-museum-i-echoes-of.html">exhibit on the anthrax attacks</a>, which happened before she was born but touched me personally - albeit peripherally. She also did not like seeing KKK members in their hoods in an <a href="http://postalmuseum.si.edu/freedom/">exhibit on civil rights</a>. She finds them frightening, as well she should.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhl4bQs22Zo7GtBEQrAGzJnHgBX3s34wYAx-WoHSYuC5ZvQ5xgkIcRrCRhb6DCkpvowe__AdPR0FZFCMonSqkv4LUtpv1PeNoomE_o_fuLYI81QmUCe483XmJ5-EpNRgNpqlfP9Hw/s1600/IMG_2529.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="245" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhl4bQs22Zo7GtBEQrAGzJnHgBX3s34wYAx-WoHSYuC5ZvQ5xgkIcRrCRhb6DCkpvowe__AdPR0FZFCMonSqkv4LUtpv1PeNoomE_o_fuLYI81QmUCe483XmJ5-EpNRgNpqlfP9Hw/s320/IMG_2529.JPG" width="320" /></a>And then we came to an LLV (Long Life Vehicle.) I delivered mail one summer. It was very, very hard work - particularly in humid gr<br />
eater Baltimore. And I drove an LLV (yes, I also got to drive a jeep.) Something I used is in a museum, sigh.<br />
<br />
Whatever images one has of lazy postmen (<a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cliff_Clavin">Cliff Clavin</a> - <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Newman_(Seinfeld)">Hello Newman</a>), that was not my experience. Mail is measured in feet and a certain number of feet have to be delivered per hour. This left little time for breaks. I walked miles, carrying many pounds. I came home tired.<br />
<br />
This was 1990, well before easily downloadable audiobooks. If that had been part of the equation I would have loved the job.<br />
<br />
When I got back to college, I had a few stories. Friends would ask what I did over the summer and I would say, "I delivered mail."<br />
<br />
Invariably they would ask, "For the post office?"<br />
<br />
"No, I freelanced."<br />
<br />
There was the woman deeply concerned when her church's magazine didn't come in the mail one day. She had been waiting right by the door and was pretty disappointed. "But it comes religiously!"she told me.<br />
<br />
I had to shoot a dog with pepper spray once, it was a little dog but it was really mad at me. Another time, a big dog, protecting a little boy came after me. It was barking and I was getting concerned. The little boy had his arms around it, crying, "Don't shoot him!"<br />
<br />
I didn't, but it was just pepper spray - and he was obviously a good dog.<br />
<br />
I had a few other stories, but more remarkable was my deep rich tan, which ended at my ankles. When I took my socks off, my feet were bone white and practically glowed in the dark.<br />
<br />
I began to reminisce with GoofGirl. She rolled her eyes. Turned out, she had heard all of my stories. I was not revealing anything new. She thinks I belong in a museum and maybe I do.Father Goofhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08310182415459788848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19676815.post-56128693044571043942015-12-28T23:26:00.002-05:002015-12-28T23:26:35.191-05:00Mark of Cosby<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px; line-height: normal; widows: 1;">
The other day, the little Goofs were excited to see their grandparents who, as a matter of course, would shower them with gifts and affection. I was going to say: </div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
These are my parents, they aren't nice. These are old people trying to get into heaven.</blockquote>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px; line-height: normal; widows: 1;">
But I didn't say it, because it is a Bill Cosby line. This happens a lot, he said a lot of very funny things.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px; line-height: normal; widows: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px; line-height: normal; widows: 1;">
What can we do with this vast corpus of brilliant material. He was very funny, his humor touched on the fundamentals of family and childhood. He was a story-teller par excellence. But now, given his massive, heinous crimes, it all leaves a bad taste.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px; line-height: normal; widows: 1;">
In my research study politicians, people who make tough calls and do unpleasant things. <a href="http://veepcritique.blogspot.com/2015/08/jimmy-carter-and-critical-empathy.html">I am pretty understanding and forgiving</a>, it was Max Weber in his essay on "Black Hands" who observed that people who wish to remain pure should not go into politics.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px; line-height: normal; widows: 1;">
But, there are moral absolutes. When someone I admire because they did great things and appeared to remain decent turns out to have flaws that are beyond the pale... Well this isn't about a god having clay feet, which I can understand and accept, it turns their work into a <a href="http://forfathersonly.blogspot.com/2014/09/betrayed-rotten-rice.html">steaming pile of crap</a>.</div>
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<b>Punishment</b></div>
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In a previous life I took a stab at being a stand-up comedian. I wasn't bad - not brilliant - but not bad. I'll write about it sometime.</div>
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But I speak with some authority when I say, the greatest crime among comedians is stealing material. Comedians aren't just performers they are a unique one-person show mining whatever wounds are in their heart to an audience for laughs. They are more akin to novelists, but without the comfortable remove. Stealing someone's material is deep, bad stuff - it's appropriating their life, it isn't stealing, it's kidnapping - or murdering their children. </div>
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I can't reference Bill Cosby material because, as a former member of the fraternity, I <i>must</i> say where the joke came from if it isn't my own. And I don't want to say his name.</div>
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So here is my proposal. Bill Cosby's material is now public domain. Tell his jokes and don't cite him. Performers should make careers off of his material and not mention him (except maybe to donate the proceeds to his victims.)</div>
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This is an imperfect response. There is no perfect justice. What he did cannot be undone. Assuming actual criminal punishment is not possible, Cosby will end his days alone and despised with only his cold millions for company. It should make the end of <i>Citizen Kane</i> look like a warm family scene by comparison.</div>
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When Cain became the first murderer he wasn't killed, but instead was branded with a mark and forced to wander the earth, accepted nowhere. I say we brand him as well, the Mark of Cosby.</div>
Father Goofhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08310182415459788848noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19676815.post-82293814000276328182015-11-30T17:23:00.001-05:002015-11-30T17:23:34.822-05:00GoofBoy's Cyber Monday Nightmare<div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">GoofBoy has been perusing flyers for new electronics and musing that perhaps his laptop will have an accident and we will need to take advantage of the Cyber Monday savings and get a great replacement.</span></div><div><br></div><div>When GoofBoy got his first laptop, which was of decent quality, the hard drive crashed. I replaced it. Then, months later, the hard drive crashed again and I had had enough. We bought the least expensive laptop that met his needs (I made him do the research.) I fully expect it won't last him through high school. But an early demise is unacceptable.</div><div><br></div><div>I warned him if there were such an untimely accident, I would replace his laptop with the cheapest, crappiest option possible.</div><div><br></div><div>"But Dad, I already have the cheapest, crummiest laptop out there."</div><div><br></div><div>"Oh knucklehead you have NO idea. I'll get an old PC and strap it to your back with duct tape. You'll have a fifty foot extension cord for a tail. The monitor will hang from your neck on a harness."</div><div><br></div><div>"That sounds great, I'll be Cyber Boy!"</div><div><br></div><div>"Yea? Keep pushing me, how about writing your papers in text messages on a flip phone."</div><div><br></div><div>"No, you can't do that, the school requires everything to be in GoogleDocs."</div><div><br></div><div>"It's easy to route texts into Google Docs. Anyway, I can do worse. I'll make you use your sister's laptop."</div><div><br></div><div>"What, NOOO! It doesn't even have touch screen!"</div><div><br></div><div>"I can't do that, why should your sister suffer." A couple years ago when GoofGirl felt like she "wasn't good" with computers I stumbled on a sale of really good refurbished Chromebooks (for less than a decent phone). She's fallen in love with it and is learning to code.</div><div><br></div><div>"No," I continued, "But if something happens to your computer I will definitely get you a laptop with no touchscreen!"</div><div><br></div><div>"Good luck, they don't even make them without touchscreen anymore."</div><div><br></div><div>"I'll pay extra!"</div>Father Goofhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08310182415459788848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19676815.post-80194202925327431772015-11-07T20:26:00.003-05:002015-11-07T20:26:57.531-05:00Spitfire Envy<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px; widows: 1;">When GoofBoy was little I would tell him stories about his grandfather, who could fly around in a heli-pack. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px; widows: 1;">Not wanting to leave </span><a href="http://forfathersonly.blogspot.com/2012/04/bedtime-story-with-spiderman-pop.html" style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px; widows: 1;">BubbeGoof out of these adventures, I explained that she had been a famed aviatrix</a><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px; widows: 1;"> in her youth. (This came from a flash of inspiration in which I envisioned my mom in a leather jacket and aviator goggles flipping Amelia Earhart the bird - <a href="https://youtu.be/KPxDoFbsvWA">like Tom Cruise in Top Gun</a> but in a Sopwith Camel, not an F-14). I added that she flew with the <a href="http://www.afhso.af.mil/shared/media/document/AFD-100928-005.pdf">Eagle Squadron</a> during the Battle of Britain and when Pop got into trouble on his heli-pack adventures she would get the old Spitfire out of the garage and get him out of trouble.</span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px; widows: 1;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px; widows: 1;">(I also <a href="http://forfathersonly.blogspot.com/2011/05/poop-on-stick.html">love making jokes at the expense of my mom</a>. For one of her big birthdays, <a href="http://forfathersonly.blogspot.com/2012/09/old-schtick-for-bubbegoofs-birthday.html">I promised to stop making of fun of her for being old for one year.</a> I lasted about one hour.)</span><br />
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This summer, to celebrate his bar mitzvah the GrandGoofs took their grandson to London. Here is an email I wrote to him:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-size: 12.8px;">Today is the </span><a href="http://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-london-33966632" style="font-size: 12.8px;">75th anniversary of the Battle of Britain</a><span style="font-size: 12.8px;">.</span></blockquote>
<blockquote>
<span style="font-size: 12.8px;">In the summer of 1940, France had fallen, Hitler dominated Europe, and Britain stood alone. The Luftwaffe tried to bomb Britain into submission. Heavily </span><span style="font-size: 12.8px;">outnumbered the Royal Air Force through skill, daring (and radar - a </span>huge technological advantage) fought them off. I grew up reading about <span style="font-size: 12.8px;">the heroism of the British pilots of Spitfires and Hawker Hurricanes </span><span style="font-size: 12.8px;">downing Nazi bombers by the score.</span></blockquote>
<blockquote>
As a boy <a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/guides/z3jkwmn">when I built fighter planes with Legos they were always Spitfires</a> (they are the <a href="http://forfathersonly.blogspot.com/2013/05/42-jackie-robinson-story-our-mothers.html">Eddie Murray</a> of fighter planes). I built Messerschmitts for them to shoot down, but I wouldn't put a swastika on them, because I knew they shouldn't be in the house.</blockquote>
<blockquote>
Hope you do or see something to commemorate the Battle of Britain.</blockquote>
<blockquote>
<span style="font-size: 12.8px;">If you get to see a Spitfire flyover I'll be jealous as hell! I know I would have scheduled the trip around it myself. But maybe it's for the best if you don't go. Bubbie might have flashbacks.</span></blockquote>
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Father Goofhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08310182415459788848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19676815.post-12404669558662584592015-11-02T22:12:00.001-05:002015-11-02T22:12:21.283-05:00Goofy Ghost Story<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px; line-height: normal; widows: 1;">
<span style="font-size: 12.8px;">Halloween is past, but it is never too late for a ghost story.</span><br />
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Shortly after MamaGoof's <a href="http://forfathersonly.blogspot.com/2011/12/tiny-woman-giant-in-kindness.html">beloved aunt Nana died</a> we were visiting Abuela. It was one of our more relaxed visits. Papa was finally under good care at a home and Nana had been sick for a long time. Abuela could finally relax some, and so could we. MamaGoof and I had some kid-free excursions.<br />
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A very sweet young woman from the Philippines was living with Abuela and helping her out. Besides being a diligent care-giver and helper, she also watched <i>telenovelas</i> with Abuela. But she reported that she sensed a presence, walking back and forth in Nana's room.<br />
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MamaGoof believes in ghosts and sometimes thinks she encounters them. Skeptics among you, don't jump to conclusions. MamaGoof is a scientist (PhD in biostatistics!) While she watches <a href="http://forfathersonly.blogspot.com/2011/11/halloween-is-too-scary.html">horror movies</a> and <i>GhostHunters</i>, she does not revel in her connection to the supernatural. She wants nothing to do with it. She does not go to seances or brag about her deep connections to other dimensions - that isn't her. Instead she wishes this creepy stuff would leave her alone.<br />
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Naturally the care-giver's report was a matter of deep concern. There were to be no more excursions, since MamaGoof was deeply concerned GoofGirl might have an encounter.<br />
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In this regard - and many others. I am MamaGoof's exact opposite. I don't believe in the supernatural. At the same time <a href="http://forfathersonly.blogspot.com/2011/11/halloween-is-too-scary.html">horror movies terrify me</a>. (Maybe the reason I don't believe in the supernatural is not due to reason - but to fear, which is perfectly reasonable when you think about it.)<br />
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As MamaGoof worried I, for once, said the right thing.<br />
<br />
"I understand you are pretty upset and concerned about this. I respect that and want to help. But I really lack the equipment to get this. I'm taking your concerns seriously, I'll do what you need me to do. Just a warning though. If it turns out you're right and there's a ghost I <i>will</i> yell 'zoinks' and jump out of clothes before running full speed to another city."</div>
Father Goofhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08310182415459788848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19676815.post-25740197582506538592015-10-17T23:26:00.000-04:002015-10-17T23:27:48.853-04:00Robot Killer!<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdrm1W2MYpSd4B7D_kO9Xzf40AkFxKtzLvjjwPBYCChsXvzABmTwZoayg7nsfJ2BufzFoo7600bk4d1FzmMBOGQKmeZHFXWJ2tOODEPNnRCAnq22AhDrspR9s4kUVQ-IOyQKHrKQ/s1600/walle.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdrm1W2MYpSd4B7D_kO9Xzf40AkFxKtzLvjjwPBYCChsXvzABmTwZoayg7nsfJ2BufzFoo7600bk4d1FzmMBOGQKmeZHFXWJ2tOODEPNnRCAnq22AhDrspR9s4kUVQ-IOyQKHrKQ/s200/walle.jpg" width="135" /></a>"Daddy, what do you do at your new job?"<br />
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"I fight robots," I could tell them what I actually do, but that would be boring.<br />
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"Dad, you're gonna get killed!" GoofBoy, who has recently seen the Terminator movies, exclaimed - deeply concerned.<br />
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"I don't fight killer robots, I wouldn't have a chance. I fight workaday robots. Today I fought Wall-E."<br />
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"There really are robots like Wall-E?" GoofGirl asked excited.<br />
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"Not anymore, I smashed it into tinfoil with a sledgehammer."<br />
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GoofGirl went away upset. But the next day, the kids were back asking me what robots I fought.<br />
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"They built these special little drones designed to deliver a single flower. It's called the Butterfly. I knocked them out of the air with a baseball bat."<br />
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"Dad, you are a terrible person," GoofBoy said flatly.</div>
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Yet they kept asking.</div>
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I told them about a new robot vacuum cleaner that looked like a ballerina and danced around the room in beautiful unpredictable patterns and makes music instead of vacuum cleaner noises. I used a Nerf disc gun to destroy it.</div>
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"What robot did you fight today Daddy?"</div>
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"It was a really boring robot today. It was just a cognitive radio."</div>
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"How is a radio a robot?" GoofGirl asked.<br />
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"Well it is designed to switch places on the radio spectrum depending on the situation. So it senses the environment, processes the information, and takes action. By our working definition, that's a robot."<br />
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"That's a pretty boring robot. I'm sure it was a tough fight," GoofBoy said, sarcastically.</div>
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"Oh, it was! I had to tear it apart with my bare hands. And it kept playing music at me. When it blared Mumford and Sons I was pumped to wreck it. But then it switched to kids music, Laurie Berkner, The Wiggles... I was almost crying as I threw it to the floor and finally smashed it."</div>
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"Daddy, why is the government paying you to break robots?"</div>
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"Top secret, I can't tell you."</div>
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"If it were really secret you wouldn't be telling us about it."</div>
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Good point.</div>
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"OK, look, the robots have watched the Terminator movies as well. They aren't stupid. They know we'll be expecting this. So instead, what if they try something sneakier, will all the little robots doing little things to try to slowly get us to do what they want? We need to make sure we can still take care of them. In short, I'm doing it for you."</div>
Father Goofhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08310182415459788848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19676815.post-3618319632144914212015-09-27T02:01:00.003-04:002015-09-27T02:01:34.061-04:00Inclusive Little Goofs<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px; widows: 1;">When GoofBoy came home from his first summer at Camp Ramah several years ago, one of the very first things he told us about was meeting and getting to know the kids in the special needs program. He relished his time with them. Many had limited vocabularies, but he appreciated how funny they could be given their limited tools to communicate.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px; widows: 1;">Each year GoofBoy was a "buddy" to one kid. He took walks with him on Shabbat and visited with him regularly throughout his time at the camp. One year his buddy was there for eight weeks, but GoofBoy was only there for four. He was disconsolate when he learned GoofBoy was leaving. But GoofBoy introduced him to some of his friends who would be there all eight weeks and could keep him company.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; widows: 1;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.8000001907349px;">GoofGirl also spent time </span></span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">with</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"> the kids in the special needs program. She mentioned visiting them to play games and to dance. She said not every kid in her bunk went out of their way to spend time with the special needs kids, but <i>no one</i> was mean to them - all the kids treated them with respect.</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; widows: 1;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.8000001907349px;">But this inclusive attitude wasn't learned at camp, just encouraged. The </span></span><a href="http://forfathersonly.blogspot.com/2011/03/less-goofy-more-sweet.html" style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px;">little Goofs brought it with them</a><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.8000001907349px;"> and, as always, I am very proud and touched by their deep kindness. (They are also great about visiting <a href="http://forfathersonly.blogspot.com/2013/06/missing-papa-part-ii_30.html">sick, elderly relatives</a> and friends - no </span></span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">easy</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.8000001907349px;"> thing for children, or adults for that matter.)</span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px; widows: 1;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px; widows: 1;">One day during carpool we saw a social services bus in front of a house. A wheelchair-bound young man who we know from synagogue was being taken to the van. GoofBoy and Carpool Buddy enthusiastically exclaimed, "We know him from shul! So that's where he lives!"</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px; widows: 1;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px; widows: 1;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px; widows: 1;">Another time we were sitting at Panera's having lunch. A man sitting near us we gesticulating (a little) and muttering. Out of the corner of my eye I diagnosed him as having Tourette syndrome. In the car on the way home I asked if they had noticed him. They hadn't. I asked if it might have bothered them.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px; widows: 1;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px; widows: 1;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px; widows: 1;">The boys answered in chorus, "No way! Why would it? There was a guy with Tourette on American Idol. He was awesome!"</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px; widows: 1;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px; widows: 1;" /><span style="background-color: white; widows: 1;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.8000001907349px;">As it happens, I have a pair of developmentally disabled cousins. They are in </span></span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">their</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.8000001907349px;"> 60s now. One is in a group home near us and comes to our synagogue. The little Goofs are always nice to them and happy to see them. They mention them proudly. My cousins have been told they are "uncles" and are very pleased with this.</span></span></span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px; widows: 1;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px; widows: 1;" /><span style="background-color: white; widows: 1;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.8000001907349px;">This is all very different from when I was a kid. I don't remember us being particularly interested in </span></span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">special</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.8000001907349px;"> needs kids, and almost certainly not particularly nice or respectful.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; widows: 1;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.8000001907349px;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; widows: 1;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.8000001907349px;">This is different and different can be wonderful.</span></span></span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px; widows: 1;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px; widows: 1;" /><span style="background-color: white; widows: 1;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.8000001907349px;">People with special needs face enormous challenges to living full lives. But the distances </span></span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">they</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.8000001907349px;"> have come have been enormous and the changing attitudes of today's kids </span><span style="font-size: x-small;">hold promise for an even more inclusive future.</span></span></span>Father Goofhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08310182415459788848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19676815.post-73019487416968874712015-09-13T17:09:00.000-04:002015-09-13T17:09:16.380-04:00Under the Bus: Lessons on Horrible Humor<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px; widows: 1;">Once after buying something at CVS I made a donation with my purchase.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px; widows: 1;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px; widows: 1;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px; widows: 1;">GoofBoy, observing this, said, "Dad, that was really great that you gave that money to kids with diabetes."</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px; widows: 1;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px; widows: 1;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px; widows: 1;">"Buddy, I gave it to help kids with diabetes. I wouldn't give it to the kids with diabetes, they'd just use it to buy candy."</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px; widows: 1;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px; widows: 1;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px; widows: 1;">GoofBoy laughed hard and then said, "Dad that's really horrible."</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px; widows: 1;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px; widows: 1;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px; widows: 1;">"But funny. Lots of things that are really funny are also really horrible. That's how humor works."</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px; widows: 1;">---------</span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: white;">Driving we like to put the GPS in other languages. For a while we had it set on German, which is fun because even if you don't understand a word, it is very insistent.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: white;">As I drove GoofBoy and his friends around to their practices, I translated the GPS.</span></span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: white;">Make a right in two minutes.</span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Make a right now!</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">You haf failed to follow instructions. U-turn immediately!</span><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">U-turn! Schnell! You vill be late.</span></span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: white;">Clearly you vill not follow ze instructions.</span></span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: white;">Alternate route plotted.</span></span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: white;">You vill take ze train. This train vill haf no stops!</span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: white;">GoofBoy laughed, and then said, </span>wisely, "Dad, that's horrible."</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px; widows: 1;">I came home from a meeting at the synagogue and observed, "Could we have one synagogue meeting in which someone didn't invoke the </span><span class="il" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px; widows: 1;">Holocaust</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px; widows: 1;">?"</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px; widows: 1;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px; widows: 1;"><i>Note: if we ever really wanted to <a href="http://forfathersonly.blogspot.com/2008/09/new-year-sounds.html">debunk Zionist conspiracy theories, we should just invite anti-Semites to a synagogue meeting</a>. They will pretty quickly be convinced that Jews can't run anything or keep a secret.</i></span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px; widows: 1;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px; widows: 1;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px; widows: 1;">"What was it this time?" MamaGoof asked.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px; widows: 1;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px; widows: 1;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px; widows: 1;">In a bellowing old man voice I yelled, "No gefilte fish after Shabbos services? It's like the </span><span class="il" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px; widows: 1;">Holocaust</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px; widows: 1;">!"</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; widows: 1;"><span style="font-size: 12.8000001907349px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; widows: 1;"><span style="font-size: 12.8000001907349px;">Everyone laughed, but GoofBoy, again the voice of reason, noted, "Dad, this is horrible."</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; widows: 1;"><span style="font-size: 12.8000001907349px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; widows: 1;"><span style="font-size: 12.8000001907349px;">"But funny," I said, "And you know why? Because there's no </span><span style="font-size: x-small;">business</span><span style="font-size: 12.8000001907349px;"> like the Shoah business."</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; widows: 1;"><span style="font-size: 12.8000001907349px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; widows: 1;"><span style="font-size: 12.8000001907349px;">This quickly became a punchline around the house. "We're out of the good maple syrup? It's like </span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small; widows: 1;">the</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; widows: 1;"><span style="font-size: 12.8000001907349px;"> Holocaust!"</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; widows: 1;"><span style="font-size: 12.8000001907349px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; widows: 1;"><span style="font-size: 12.8000001907349px;">"Ten minutes waiting for the ATM? It's like the Holocaust!"</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; widows: 1;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.8000001907349px;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; widows: 1;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: 12.8000001907349px;">Another aside: So far I've made fun of diabetics, Germans, Jews, and the Holocaust. I hope any outraged comments (assuming I have any readers) are similarly balanced. Also, in fairness, I regularly threaten to </span><span style="font-size: x-small;">sell my kids on the dark web and make f<a href="http://forfathersonly.blogspot.com/2012/05/nicest-kid-in-carpool.html">un of their friends mercilessly</a>. I also do truly <a href="http://forfathersonly.blogspot.com/2014/11/pelicula-attack-or-why-i-dont-speak.html">terrible things to the Spanish language</a>.</span></i></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; widows: 1;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.8000001907349px;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; widows: 1;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.8000001907349px;">It resonated. GoofGirl came home from school the other day and said, "A lot of kids in my class were </span><span style="font-size: x-small;">complaining when the school ran out of their favorite juice box. And I was like, 'We're out of raspberry-lemonade? It's like the Holocaust!'"</span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; widows: 1;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; widows: 1;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Here I sat up, "Did you say this?"</span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; widows: 1;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; widows: 1;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">"No," GoofGirl answered, "But I was thinking it."</span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; widows: 1;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; widows: 1;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">"OK. Good. Because a lot of people will, as your brother says, think this is horrible. You will get into big trouble. And I will have to go to lots of boring meetings at school. No one wants this. So if you slip up and say something inappropriate - I'm throwing you under the bus."</span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; widows: 1;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; widows: 1;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">"What does that mean?" the Little Goofs asked in unison.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; widows: 1;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; widows: 1;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">"It means that I'll tell them you are out of control and should be sent to juvey."</span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; widows: 1;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; widows: 1;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Just so we're clear.</span></span></span>Father Goofhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08310182415459788848noreply@blogger.com0