The One Eyed Man is King

“Talk to your son,” MamaGoof ordered over the phone.

A few seconds later, GoofBoy’s tremulous voice came on the line.

“Dad… Dad…” he was on the verge of tears.

“Buddy, don’t worry about it. We love you no matter what. Now, what’s going on?”

“Dad… I need glasses!”

“Buddy, I have glasses. Your mom has glasses. We told you that sooner or later – and probably sooner - you would need glasses.”

“But now I’m going to have these things on my face…”

“Are you worried about the other kids picking on you?”

“A little…”

“You go to a Jewish Day School – almost all the kids are near-sighted and awkward. I think you’ll be fine. Besides, glasses are fun!”

“How?” his words are still full of tears.

“You can use the glasses to focus sunlight and set stuff on fire! I used to burn holes in leaves and I used to chase your uncle around and try to fry him. But don’t use it on bugs, that’s just mean.”

“Really?” tears are starting to become laughter.

“Oh yeah! Plus, I kept all my old glasses. I tried to put them together to build a super-laser. I still have them, maybe we can work on this together.”

GoofBoy is laughing now. In the background I hear my wife yelling, “What are you telling him?”

“Buddy, are you ok now?”

“Yeah,” his voice has dropped again, “It’s just that they said one of my eyes was bad. I hate being told I’m not ok…”

“Wait, it’s just one of your eyes?” I asked.

“Yeah, one eye is fine and the other has a syndrome.”

“That’s astigmatism. But if it’s just one eye, then you don’t need glasses.”

“But the doctor said…”

“Buddy, listen, you are so lucky and I am so jealous. If it is just one eye you can wear a monocle!”

“Like the King of Tonga or Colonel Clink?” he asked, getting excited.

In the background I hear my wife shriek – she knows whenever the king of Tonga comes up in conversation trouble is brewing.

“Buddy, I’m so proud. Maybe you can be in the Guinness Book of World Records as the world’s youngest monocle-wearer!”

“Mommy, Daddy says instead of glasses he is going to get me a monocle!”

“Give me the phone,” MamaGoof commands.

Before she starts yelling at me, I make my plea, “I know what you are going to say. But – would it make a difference if I told you knew just where to get a kid-sized top hat, cane, and cape?”