GoofGirl's Secret Identity

"Daddy, I like my school but you know what would make it better?" GoofGirl asked me.

I am tempted to say, "If it were free?" But it isn't appropriate for our kids to know the scale of their tuition so I just reply, "Tell me and I'll call the principal and suggest it."

"Well, I wish we were also secret agents and had to go on missions to Japan to get bad guys."

"Why Japan?"

"Because then I could go to the Hello Kitty store as part of the mission."

"Do bad guys go to Hello Kitty stores?"

"No daddy, but we would be in disguise so we would have to act like regular kids."

"Okay, but only Japan? What if there were bad guys in Spain or Austalia."

"We could go there too. There would be an airplane under the school that could take us anywhere. And while we were on the plane there would be a snack machine that would give us whatever snacks we want - you just have to speak into it."

"Wow, would you do your homework on the plane?"

"Yes, but there would also be TVs with lots of channels."

"What kind of bad guys would you catch?"

"Oh, all kinds. Robbers, bullies, mean people, litterers."

It is a great comfort to me that her conception of bad guys is so limited and includes litterers.

"We would have special belts with all kinds of tools," GoofGirl continued, not noticing my reverie. "We wouldn't need guns because we would use karate, but we would have handcuffs. But we would have those guns that shoot ropes so we could go up walls and into buildings and jump on the bad guys. We would have to spend a lot of time practicing. School would be training in fighting and climbing and gymnastics."

"When would you do your math?"

"We would still do it so we could break into computers. Daddy, let me tell you the most important thing."

"What's that?"

"When we were on missions we would have to wear pony-tails so our hair didn't get in our eyes when we were fighting."

"That is pretty important."

"So Daddy?"

"What?"

"Are you going to call the principal and ask if we can turn the school into a spy school and go on missions?"

"I don't know," I hedged, "There would be a lot of liability issues."

"What's that?"

"A boring grown-up thing that keeps you from doing anything fun."

"That's ok - we are already doing it," she lowered her voice to a whisper. "Everyday at recess we go on missions."

I feel safer already.