Show & Tell Stimulus Plan

I have come up with a fool-proof plan to re-invigorate the American economy and thus save the international financial system. It is so simple, so obvious, and so perfect.

The key is to target a tiny, but critical segment of the economy that leads to a ripple effect that extends to other critical sectors.

No government outlays are necessary, the key is very simple. Congress should immediately mandate daily (or more) show and tell sessions for all school children: preschool through college - graduate school will be exempted.*

What will that do?

Typical households will quickly run out of things to show, necessitating continual purchases of toys, stuffed animals, souvenirs, knick-knacks, collectibles, baubles and other somewhat interesting items to be discussed at circle-time.

Thanks to the explosion of China as a manufacturing power, tchotchkes are less expensive then ever before in human history - so this would cause undue fiscal hardship on only a small percentage of families. For those families that had trouble purchasing a steady stream of doo-dads a modest financial aid program, perhaps modeled on food stamps could be initiated.

Again, what will that do?

The point of the program is not to stimulate small manufacturing (in China) although that would be a useful by-product. As families found their homes flooded with a never ending flow of objets d'show'n tell they would need larger and larger homes. They would begin looking into expanding their living quarters, taking advantage of the depressed housing market. Soon, home sales and new home starts would begin to rise. This is the crucial element of the economy that needs a jump start.

What if people just ignore the "Show & Tell Act of 2008"?

No law is effective without enforcement, and the most effective enforcement in this case is that students who fail to bring something in for show & tell will be dismissed from school for the day. This guarantees that parents will make sure their children bring something to show.

In Conclusion

This plan is too late to help either candidate win the election. But whoever wins should build a bi-partisan coalition to enact this low-cost policy, with almost no downside.

A highly skilled visionary will be needed to oversee this complex, revolutionary, and essential program - and I know just the graduate student in public policy to run it.



*I'm in graduate school. Isn't my macro-economics class serving me well?

Youth Vote at My House

My son has been firmly in the Obama camp for a while (despite an early flirtation with Huckabee.) My son's argument was simple, we've had lots of old Presidents.

My daughter's stand was unknown, she expressed a fondness for McCain, because he was "wrinkly" but I doubted her level of commitment. If I read the fuzzy bathtub letters right (and it's tough to say, since, at four, she can't read or write), she's made her call.

The truth is, over at Goof Manor, only one man in the world could compete with Obama -

That's right! We're talkin' bout Taft.

For the youthful generation, no President is a greater source of interest or fascination than old #27. Whether it was his need for a plus-sized bathtub, or his fixation with canned ham, or maybe those terrific pictures of him golfing there is no President better for a good belly laugh than Taft.

Can ya dig it?

Taft has become a regular subject of discussion in our home. The other day my daughter had an enormous poop (she's potty trained, but still needs a little supervision). I won't go into details, but it made me recall the middle school science unit when we learned that there are over 20 feet of intestines inside the human body. Potty time is, unfortunately, a family affair so my son got involved and offered color commentary. My daughter looked up from her throne and asked, in a strained voice - her face showing the wear and tear of production, "Is it because I eat like Taft?"

Two Versions of "Taft" to the tune of "Shaft"

The kids love this one.



This one is a little raunchier.



This is totally different, not "Shaft" themed but very informative.

Cookie Campaign

I am tired of the elections (who isn't at this point.) But the are creating some difficult discourse in our home. The other day my son asked, "Dad, I need cookies."

I did what any responsible father would do and said, "Is that how we ask for things?"

My son walked away, surprising, but in the short attention span theater that is the mind of a seven year old, not unlikely. A few minutes later, my son and daughter walked into the kitchen - my daughter planting herself firmly in front of me and my son standing behind her. She began:

Daddy. Some people don't want us to have cookies. But a lot of people like cookies. Cookies would make us happy. You should give us cookies because we need to be happy. They will make us strong. Daddy. Consider it. It is your duty. Give us cookies.

Then my son stepped forward and announced, "I'm Barak Obama and I approved this message."

Clearly the Obama campaign has raised way too much money if they can afford to advertise extensively on Nickelodeon.

Democrats Pitch Soccer Moms

As an honorary soccer mom (I am a dad, of course, but I drive most of the carpools) I found Mass. Governor Duval Patrick's speech particularly compelling. He spoke of growing up on the South Side of Chicago where neighbors looked out for each other worked together to enforce shared values. He said, I paraphrase:

If Ms. Jones down the street found you were making trouble she would straighten you out herself. Then she would call your mom who would straighten you out again.

Are the Democrats in favor of beating other people's children?

AWESOME!

As a regular carpool driver this is a policy initiative I can support. Carpool driving is maddening, because you can discipline your own kid - but you have zero leverage over the other kids in the carpool. The other kids know this and will abuse this power vacuum mercilessly. It is an open question whether the Democrats are sufficiently realistic about international relations - but clearly they understand balance of power arrangements in the carpool.

Best of all, being Democrats, not only will they support disciplining other people's children - they'll probably subsidize it.

Michelle Obama & Children First Thing in the Morning

Michelle Obama says she wakes up every morning and her first thoughts are of her children. I am unimpressed. The defining feature of parenthood is waking up every morning to children screaming.

On the rare occasions when I do not wake up to the sounds of children screaming - they are still first in my thoughts. This is because silence can mean only one thing, they are quietly coming closer to harpoon me with a tinker-toy spear.

Primary School Primaries

Our long national nightmare is nearly over – the Primaries are over and we can enjoy the Olympics this summer. My nightmare ended earlier, when Mike Huckabee dropped out.

With football season over, my son has been following the primaries closely. Every morning his first question on waking up is “Who won?” The explanations are taxing. If CNN “political strategists” can’t explain super-delegates, what chance do I have with a six year old? (Although, in fairness, he understands the NHL playoff system – so maybe I’m the problem.)

Somehow my son decided he was rooting for Mike Huckabee. Maybe it was the funny name, maybe it was his down home charm, or maybe it was because I told my son he used to be fat (my son loves stories about William Howard Taft). Possibly it was because he thought Huckabee’s wife Janet was “Inter-Planet Janet” (from "Schoolhouse Rock - I've got the whole video below.) I don't think my son's support was due to Huckabee’s policies (about which my son was blissfully unaware).




The reasons don’t matter. While I try not to infuse him with my politics (I’ve learned from the mistakes of my Trotskyite father), in our social milieu of liberal Jews (possibly an oxymoron) open support of Mike Huckabee is verboten. If my son actually said something about it at school it would spread like wildfire and we would never be able to schedule another playdate again. We would probably have to move.

Now with Huckabee out, my son has shifted his support to the much more palatable Barak Obama

Personally, I had a soft spot in my heart for Huckabee. I’m not a creationist, but the kinds of people who get worked up over creationism are the kinds of people who are really fun to annoy (like middle school teachers.) I’m not so old that I have lost the joy of provoking apoplexy in a tightly wound pedagogue. This may have been Hillary Clinton’s problem – she reminds people a bit too much of the middle school teacher who insisted you would use algebra when you grew up or who tolerated no dissent on the proper diagramming of sentences.

Another nice thing about the primary season being over is no more mad maps on the cable networks. At one point, CNN's John King used his interactive map to focus in on a home in northern Indiana, which in turn was watching CNN - where John King was focusing in on their home. It was pretty trippy, but I believe he was playing fast and loose with the time-space continuum. Speaking of which, here is "Inter-Planet Janet." I loved her, in my heart and now it is too late...