Sunday, March 29, 2015

Celebrity Crushes

Stand-up comic John Mulaney has a great bit about Ice-T on Law and Order SVU. Since MamaGoof is such a huge SVU fan, I thought I’d share it with her. It was after dinner, GoofGirl had gone to bed.

Much to my surprise, she knew a great deal about Ice-T. He apparently had a reality show and a new young wife. As MamaGoof told me this I realized, Ice-T is her celebrity crush (possibly along with Christopher Timothy who played James Herriot in BBC’s All Creatures Great and Small.) Mama Goof denied it of course, “I just watched Ice’s reality show for one episode. Of course her calling him “Ice” said it all.

She quickly turned the tables, “Who’s your celebrity crush?”

“I’ve got a bunch!"

GoofBoy chimed in, “Tina Fey, Tina Fey and Tina Fey!”

No denying it, I won’t even watch Jason Sudekis vehicles because he played her boyfriend on 30Rock. But there are others, plenty of others.

“Pebbles from the Flintstones was one of my first.”

“What dad? She was a baby and a cartoon! That's weird!"
“No the Pebbles from the later episodes when she was grown-up and dating Bam-Bam. Besides I was just a kid - I’m not that weird."

Let me just add, I was ten and if you look at this picture of grown-up Pebbles I don't think I was so crazy.

And then there was Robin.

"What was she in?"

"Not she. Robin Yount, the Brewers shortstop, you know, the signature in my baseball glove."

"Dad, this is kinda weird."

"OK, just to be clear, it isn't like I dreamed about him. Well, once. I dreamt I was at the game and he hit a home run and 'Your Wildest Deams' by the Moody Blues played over the stadium sound system. That's it."

MamaGoof's jaw hung open.

"Look, the man had 3000 hits, switched positions from shortstop to centerfield - won MVP at both - the only player to do this. I'm pretty comfortable with this."

"But, but," MamaGoof sputtered, "What about Eddie Murray and the Orioles?"

"Oh no, they were like gods to me. They were beyond crushes."

"You just liked the mustache," MamaGoof observed.

"Yea, but if it was just about the mustache I would've been into Rollie Fingers."

"Dad, please, please stop talking until I can get upstairs, into bed and smother myself with a pillow."

The next morning, sitting as I was getting my coffee I mentioned Pebbles to GoofBoy who begged me to forget everything. GoofGirl cried angrily, "I miss everything good!"

Her brother reassured her, "No, really, you didn't. It was horrible."

Friday, March 20, 2015

A Generational Table Manners Deficit

UPDATE: Before you read this. A lot of you are my friends. I like your kids! Sincerely, despite all the crazy stuff I say. They are great kids. As are mine. And I do not exclude my own kids here. So don't get mad at me or anything, please. When you think about it, we've overall done a great job with these kids - but we missed this one thing.


In a thousand ways, today's kids are wonderful - so much better than I remember my friends and I being at the same age. They are kinder, more thoughtful, and more considerate. Somehow though, we forgot to teach them table manners.

On a family trip we met with an old friend of mine from school. Our families met. His kids were wonderful and so very sweet. His son earnestly proposed that they build a second story on their house so we could move in with them. I also saw him fold a sausage patty and dip it, with his hands, into the little syrup pitcher.

I've seen kids, kids who really should know, kids with wonderful manners and very nice parents, eat spaghetti with their fingers.

The little Goofs are better - because I yell at them constantly. But still, using silverware isn't quite second nature. You can see they have to think about it at every turn. Too often, when they can't solve the food to face problem with silverware they resort to hands. Maybe placing food into their fork with their fingers or "forgetting" to use a fork. Large chunks of food are simply speared and eaten with pieces bitten off. When I remind them to use a knife they hack ineffectually as though I sent them out to job wood. I'm pretty sure by the time I was in my double digits I was cutting my own food on a regular basis.

Children who can perform complex operations on two electronic devices simultaneously cannot manage to use two pieces of silverware in conjunction.

Even when they are using the silverware it is awkward. Forks come to mouths along strange vectors that same likely to result in spillage. I believe they are trying to have accidents so I will recognize that hands are just so much more efficient than silverware. But I won't back down.

I really don't want to give the wrong impression. The kids I'm talking about aren't barbarous eaters, throwing food around. And their eating habits are excellent. The little Goofs insist on vegetables and most of their friends will eat a good helping of vegetables without complaint.

Maybe it is our fault. A diet heavy on chicken fingers, pizza, croissants, and carrot sticks lends itself to hands, not silverware.

And they are great kids. I guess it is a good trade-off - table manners for social manners. But was it a trade-off that had to be made?

Saturday, March 07, 2015

When I grow up...

My childhood dreams.
When I was little, people would ask me what I wanted to  be when I grew up. I told them I wanted to be a gaucho.

"What's that?" they'd ask.

"They ride around on horses with lassos and herd cows," I'd explain cheerfully.

"Oh, you want to be a cowboy!" which made sense, because that was the kind of thing little boys wanted to be.

"No a gaucho!" I'd insist.

They would sigh, wishing they hadn't started a conversation with a little boy that was taking too long and preventing them from re-filling their gin & tonic. As an adult I've learned that conversations with clever children are over-rated.

"What you said sounds like a cowboy. Is a gaucho a word you made up for cowboy?"

"No, it's an Argentine cowboy. They ride the pampas!"

At this point the adult would nod and wander off. If they asked why I wanted to be an Argentine cowboy,  I was ready with answers. (I liked the outfits and wanted to live somewhere in a place where water went the opposite way down the drain.) But they never asked.

Anyway, that dream died when I realized I'd have to learn Spanish and that seemed pretty hard. So I decided to be an archeologist. Playing in dirt and discovering treasure seemed like a good career (this was before Raiders of the Lost Ark.) But then I learned archaeologists have to go to school for a long-time and often have to spend their time in bug-infested environments - and rarely find treasures and get rich.

Now, 35 years later, I'm still at a loss for what I want to do when I grown up.

Monday, February 02, 2015

GoofGirl visits the Museum of the American Indian

Inspired by a recent excellent expedition to the Museum of Natural History GoofGirl insisted - nay demanded - an excursion to the Smithsonian's Museum of the American Indian. It was MLK weekend and since the African-American Museum isn't open yet, this seemed appropriate particularly appropriate.

GoofGirl has always been fascinated with Native Americans, perhaps spurred by our regular trips to New Mexico. On any excursion, the Native American component tops her list of priorities.

It is a neat museum. The building is a vast, intriguing space. There are a range of permanent and temporary exhibits. Before we got to them, we went to the main atrium and learned about different boats built by various native American tribes. They are a bit small, but you can see a kayak and a canoe, and also a Hawaiian fishing boat. The Hawaiians also built somewhat bigger versions that were ocean-going and made their way around the Pacific in what strikes me as pretty heroic acts of seamanship.

Did Mayan banks give these
 for opening a new account?
We spent some time with the Mayan calendars: giant stone contraptions, that synchronized multiple harvest and festival schedules - structuring time is at the core of any complex society. The exhibit also discussed the lives of their present day descendants. Abuelo and Nana were from Guatemala and in the photographs of the activists from that part of the world I saw their faces. We looked for a section on Native Americans of northern Mexico. Abuela, who hailed from Guadalajara, was supposedly part Yaki Indian. But there was no exhibit on them. Still it was remarkable to realize the sheer variety of worlds GoofGirl straddles. I mentioned this to her, that she was probably two kinds of Native American, Spanish, and on my side Russian Jewish and a little German Jewish. She was less impressed, "Your side is the boring side Daddy."

I don't take it personally. Attending a Jewish Day School, my background hardly seems exotic or even interesting. There's a lot of Yiddishkeit - but not so many Mayan Warrior-Priestesses (or Conquistadors)!

There were many exhibits about the Native Americans of North America, including those of the Chesapeake region. One detail that struck me was an extensive collection of art using beads. Apparently the Native Americans treasured the mass produced beads of the Europeans. It revolutionized their art. This does not of course justify European (and later American) predation. The fundamental injustice done to the Native Americans pervades the museum, as it should. An exhibit on the history of U.S. treaties with the Native American tribes brings that home. But it is not a gloomy or oppressive place. The museum celebrates Native American culture and highlights its rebirth. Wiping away the injustice of the past is not possible, but the museum is a small step in the right direction where Native Americans have a prominent and respected place in U.S. culture, politics, and society.

Not an ocelot, but pretty cool!
One exhibit that interested us was on ceramics of Central America. Everyone knows about the Mayans, but just south of them in Central America were a number of sophisticated civilizations which built cities and crafted vast amounts of beautiful pottery. Some of the pieces were nearly 3000 years old. Ocelots were a major theme in their pottery, both as images on the vessel and actual ocelot shaped vessels! GoofGirl has a soft place in her heart for ocelots and was quite taken.

And then it was time for...

A highlight was unquestionably lunch. We ate at the Museum Cafe which features five different stations for different regions for dishes inspired by what the Native Americans in that region ate. There was a huge variety of choices, And of veggie and dairy options (although the Great Plains stand featured some good-looking chunks of buffalo meat while the Pacific Northwest station featured salmon) we hit the South America stand and the Northern Woodlands stand. We enjoyed yucca frites - I strongly feel that yucca fries could easily destroy world demand for French fries with their richer texture and flavor (we did also have some potatoes). We had sweet potato salad, a tomato soup, cheese bread and blue cornbread, and I had a half-coffee/half-Mexican hot chocolate (like a mocha con chile!)
It was an expensive lunch, but it was good and the museum is free so, it all works out.

After lunch we headed to the children's section. I thought, having gone through the adult museum, GoofGirl wouldn't be that interested. But she was, she climbed around. and explored at her breakneck pace. I found I liked it to. Having looked at stuff for hours, it was nice to go into stuff - see a house on stilts or the entire of a teepee.

And that was enough for one day.

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Snow Day Project: Kinder Egg Knockoffs

During our recent trip to NYC, we visited Economy Candy. The little Goofs were stunned at the sweet bounty before them. But GoofBoy, after carefully looking over every square inch noted, "They don't have Kinder Eggs."

GoofGirl was intrigued, what was this forbidden candy?

(Technically called Kinder Surprise, it's a chocolate egg with a toy inside that you had to put together - which is pretty awesome. They were banned in the U.S. because kids chowing down on chocolate eggs might eat the toy parts inside, choke and die. That would happen eventually, and then there would be a movement demanding to know why these things weren't banned.)

In seeking the answers to her questions, GoofGirl does what she always does. She went to YouTube where she found the channel of the DC Toys Collector, which consists of innumerable videos like this one:

I watched this one, barely (the key demographic is not jaded middle-aged academics, but small children). However, this channel has 3.5 million subscribers. A stunning fact that is causing me to re-evaluate everything about my existence and purpose on this earth. But that's neither here nor there.

GoofGirl was entranced, but more than entranced she was moved to action!

We just had a three-day weekend, which became a four day weekend thanks to snow days. GoofGirl made her own Kinder Egg knock-offs --

Model Magic Surprise Shapes

Have I mentioned recently how awesome my daughter is? Well, if you don't mind, let me say it again.

By the way, my son spent the day cleaning his room, so he's awesome too!

Thursday, January 01, 2015

Goofs Take Manhattan: Going to NYC with Kids

Because I am a terrible parent, I had not taken my children to NYC, despite living only a few hours away. To forestall a visit from Child Protective Services, we rectified that between Christmas and New Year's.

Although the little Goofs thought it would have been awesome, we left before New Year's because I'm pretty sure taking your kids to Times Square to see the ball drop is a form of child abuse in its own right, or at least insanity.

I am a meticulous and intense traveller and travel planner. I want to maximize the things to be seen while balancing different interests. I study maps and guidebooks and badger everyone with questions and just generally make a nuisance of myself - I'd like to think it all pays off when, in the middle of the trip the children announce, "Dad, we are soooo tired. Can't we just get pizza and watch TV at the hotel?"

New York, with its scale, density, and variety challenges any trip planner. But I did my best.

Day One: Mid-Town Muddle
We arrived about noon, parked, checked in and had some sandwiches we had brought. Having just been in the car for almost four hours, we didn't want to have a family debate on where to eat (even in NYC, where options abound - besides our next ten meals would be at restaurants, no need to start on that too soon.)

Our hotel (cheap, clean, convenient, and with a few neat features - I almost don't want to post it...) was about a block from the Empire State Building. So we walked over. The little Goofs were astounded when actually confronted with this massive, iconic skyscraper which they had seen so often on TV and in movies. There was however, little interest in going to the top (the little Goofs don't love heights), which was fine with me since it is expensive ($29 each) and time consuming. However, wandering around the beautiful lobby is free - so we did!

We then took the short walk to the Museum of Mathematics (in the Flatiron district), which features a range of mathematical puzzles and games for children of all ages. MamaGoof (who is kind of a math ninja - PhD in statistics) loved it. It was a bit crowded. Still the exhibits were fun and gave at least some sense to yours truly about who mathematics underpins and shapes our world. Cool stuff.

Then we walked. Walking around NYC is half the fun, stopping in shops and looking at the barrage of architecture. Second-rate, little-noticed New York skyscrapers would be the pride of cities like my beloved hometown of Baltimore. We wondered to the New York Public Library and went in. It is a beautiful building, a temple of learning and not of tremendous interest to the little Goofs. Meanwhile my checklist monster had emerged. I knew we couldn't see everything mid-town Manhattan had to offer, but I hoped to show my children a few more of the iconic sites they had seen so many times in movies.

The troops, however, began to get cranky - and I began to get annoyed because whiney children are annoying children. This meant we were hungry, so we grabbed pizza. I don't hate pizza, but I don't love it either. I was hoping to wait a bit longer before playing the pizza card, but there was a rebellion in the ranks.

It was also a tactical mistake, because Grand Central Station and its extensive market was just a few blocks away. It is an architectural marvel in its own right, we got dessert, and played at the Apple Store. We also got a nice look at the Chrysler Building.

OK - I knew we didn't have a lot of gas left, but I really felt it was my duty to show my children Rockefeller Center and Times Square. I was not the only person to come up with that plan. As we got close to Rockefeller Center the crowds became very dense. The little Goofs were a overwhelmed and GoofGirl was a bit scared. I should say, it was a very nice, polite crowd. Nothing to be scared of.

So we pushed through and saw the buildings and Christmas Tree. We got to see the ice rink and, serendipity, one couple was skating and he got down on one knee and proposed. She said yes and the crowd cheered. I have a feeling that happens every five minutes now - I think you can purchase a proposal package. NYC experience - check!

The crowds dampened GoofBoy's enthusiasm for Times Square, so we headed back to the hotel. MamaGoof and I got a drink and decided we were hungry. There is a brewpub in the Empire State Building and it is pretty good. It is also awesome that the little Goofs are old enough that we can leave them for a stretch in the hotel.

Day Two: Meet the Met
I set myself a limit of one museum a day and only one art museum. Kids overall have a lower tolerance for museums in general and art museum in particular. New York's Metropolitan Museum of Art is one of the great museums of the world. Its collection would take a lifetime to explore. The little Goofs were nervous about our visit, knowing that I would spend hours studying paintings which bore them. But I had chosen carefully, the Met's collection isn't just paintings. It has vast exhibits of artifacts from ancient civilizations throughout the world.

I also promised a long break in the middle of the day.

We started in the Egyptian wing. GoofGirl had studied Egypt a bit and explained some stuff about hieroglyphics to me. However, in her unbounded enthusiasm she kept running off when I paused to read about a display. I was angry, but my frustration was tough to sustain in the face of her sheer enthusiasm. GoofBoy, with his iPod Touch was excited to take pictures. After a bit, we agreed to let the little Goofs explore as long as they stayed together and MamaGoof and I could examine items at our leisure. Text messaging makes coordinating a family in a big space much, much easier.

The Egyptian exhibit is awesome, featuring items collected from tombs that are 4000 years old and a reconstructed shrine. The scale and antiquity of ancient Egyptian civilization is humbling. As it happens on the car ride up we had started listening to Rick Riordan's Red Pyramid. I'm a big fan of Riordan's Percy Jackson series based on Greek mythology. The Red Pyramid is about Egyptian mythology and features a big battle scene in the Met's Egyptian exhibit.

Two hours of ancient Egyptian artifacts was enough, it was time for lunch. We went to an upscale Mexican fusion place and were unimpressed. MamaGoof and I had the idea of walking to the water. This was several blocks east. We visited the riverside park that is also home to Gracie Mansion, official residence of the mayor of New York. We saw Roosevelt Island across the water and a bunch of bridges. The little Goofs were unimpressed and started to get whiney. Have I mentioned that I don't like whiney children - even if they are mine?

So we stopped for coffee and donuts but that did not improve the spirits of the little Goofs. However, a maintenance man from a nearby building came in and yelled at the cashier about leaving the stores garbage in his bin. Cool, an Upper East Side trash residential trash dispute - staple of New Yorker short stories.

We headed back to the Met by way of the Guggenheim - merely to grab a glimpse of the building. I don't know about your kids - but mine really don't seem to care much about architecture. I believe this is near universal to children and a serious design flaw.

Back at the Met, GoofGirl dragged her mother around the Asian art exhibit at lightning speed. GoofBoy checked out arms and armor. Having looked at ancient stuff all day, I needed a bit of modern art as a kind of palate cleanser and checked out a major exhibit on cubism for contrast.  Again, thanks to texts, we all kept in touch and linked up when we were done. The little Goofs showing evidence of suffering from Museum Fatigue Syndrome (it's a thing!)

The GoofClan keeps flexible kosher - we eat fish, dairy, and veggie at restaurants but meat must be kosher. Usually on trips we just plan on not eating meat. NYC of course features a huge range of quality kosher restaurants. I had found one near the Met, but no one was hungry so we went back to the hotel to rest.

When we got hungry I found Mendy's the kosher deli was nearby. I hadn't wanted to go, because in a Seinfeld episode the unctuous Banja made Jerry take him there as payback for a favor. This is, of course, a silly reason not to eat somewhere and when we did go, we ALL chowed down on burgers and meatballs.

Enough for a day.

Day Three: Lower East Side Finale
For a last day, we headed to the Lower East Side to visit the renown Tenement Museum. We had heard great things, and it was a terrific tour. There are several different tours available, each focusing on the experience of a  different group of immigrants. Since it was my background, we went on the tour about a pair of Jewish families who immigrated from Russia around the turn of the century to work in the garment industry. Originally, the tenements (about 325 sq. feet) would be home to large families that also ran small garment factories or sweatshops inside the tenement. Later reforms moved the factories out of the tenement so that it was only an apartment for 6-10 people.

As awful as these conditions were, many, many families managed to work their way out of them and into more comfortable quarters. Then their grand-kids became doctors and lawyers and their great-grandkids became bloggers. The American dream.

Some of my great-grandparents lived in tenements in NY, others in Baltimore. I know the conditions were rough. But it was such a good thing to GET THE HELL OUT OF RUSSIA! That is almost always good advice and I am glad they had the brains to do it.

The Russia they left was oppressive, impoverished, and anti-Semitic. It was bad enough, but only decades later they would have been crushed between Scylla and Charybdis of the 20th century Hitler and Stalin.

It was a good tour - have I made that clear?

We got to the Lower East Side before the museum opened and wandered around. Chinatown is next door. But the area is pretty sedate in the single digit hours of the morning. After the museum we headed to Essex Market for lunch, which looked great but the little Goofs wanted pizza. Fine, we let them have pizza - then MamaGoof and I wandered around Essex Market and had some good upscale tacos, yummy veggie soups, and a terrific fish sandwich. I'm not a big foodie, but I have my limits as to how often I can eat pizza.

It turns out, we were right next to Economy Candy which is a candy store selling familiar candy, retro candy, and just plain weird candy (including candy cigarettes!) We let the little Goofs go nuts and they were - well - kids in a candy store.

And that was enough. We knew we either had to leave NYC by 3 or plan to stay till 8. I had a good sense by now of how much the little Goofs could tolerate and it was time to pack it in and drive home.