Old Schtick for BubbeGoof's Birthday

Over the summer my mom, BubbeGoof, had a very big birthday.  I won’t say how many – it wouldn’t be polite.  But as a gift (because what do you get for the woman who has everything?) I vowed to stop making fun of her age.  This has not been easy for me – but I have persevered.  When GoofBoy had a project on Westward expansion I DID NOT tell him to call Bubbe and ask her about the Conestoga Wagons.  When GoofGirl was learning about the Ice Age, I DID NOT tell her to call Bubbe and have them ask her about the weather when she was little.

They made those calls on their own initiative.

So we threw a big party for my mom.  Friends and family were there and my brother and I prepared a presentation – some gentle schtick.

In the car ride up, the little Goofs announced that they wanted a role.  MamaGoof suggested maybe they could give a short speech in Hebrew.  No one else there would actually know Hebrew, so they could say anything, but it would be touching nonetheless.

The little Goofs wanted to do something lively, not just deliver some birthday greetings.

“OK,” I said, “This is one of the oldest sketch comedy bits in the book.  GoofBoy, you will give a speech in Hebrew.  I’ll translate.”

“Daddy, you don’t know any Hebrew,” GoofGirl pointed out.

“Right, that’s part of the joke – just listen.  My translation will be part of the joke because it will obviously have nothing to do with the speech.  Then, when I give the signal, you will push me out of the way and say, ‘My Daddy doesn’t know Hebrew! What my brother is really saying is…’  Got it?”

“OK,” the little Goofs nodded.

“When you do this bit, one of the jokes is the speaker will give a really long statement and the translator will just say a few words.  Then, at another point the speaker will just say a few words and the translator will go on forever.  It is an old bit, but it always works – I think Aristophanes used it.  Got it?”

“We got!” the little Goofs affirmed.

“Good, because we’re here.”

We had a delightful birthday brunch.  We brought a smile to BubbeGoof and her many friends.  But most of all, the little Goofs nailed it!  Almost no prep time and they did it perfectly!

Afterwards, we all went back to Bubbe's to swim at the condo pool. I told the little Goofs this was the after-party - where the real action happens.

Dogs are Great, but not for the Goofs

GoofGirl has clearly overcome her concerns about dogs.  We recently spent a week in Albuquerque visiting my sister-in-law - the much loved Tia C.  She has a dog, Mottsie and two cats.  Despite taking the kids to see natural wonders and sites of great antiquity, the highlight for them was playing with the dog, petting the dog, and just generally being around the dog.

Since our trip, GoofGirl has done little but talk about her “cousin.”

The dog, by the way, has bonded with the children.  During a phone call with Tia C, GoofGirl said hi to Mottsie.  Dogs don’t really understand telephones (in fairness I don’t either, but I know what they do.)  But when Mottsie heard the GoofGirl’s voice she did the only thing she could think of – she grabbed her toy and started looking for her playmate.

“A dog would be great for home security,” the kids point out.

At one point, MamaGoof and I had a night away (in Santa Fe) leaving the little Goofs with Tia C.  Tia C ran some errands leaving the little Goofs on their own for a bit.  At one point, when GoofBoy couldn’t find his sister, he assumed a monster had broken into the house and grabbed her.  (Perhaps reading Lemony Snicket to them hasn’t been the best idea.)  So he grabbed Mottsie and did a full room-to-room search confident now that he had a powerful ally at his back.  (Turns out GoofGirl had gone to read in a corner.)

“A dog could really help clean up!” the kids insist.

One of the cats had a hairball.  The little Goofs, not cat overly familiar with the ways of cats, were horrified but then fascinated when Mottsie dutifully trot over and lapped it up.  If a dog would do that, what cleaning job would it possibly refuse.  I don't want to know what scenarios the little Goofs were imagining.

Unfortunately, while I love dogs, this visit convinced me that we will not be getting one ever (not because of the throw-up thing.)

At every instant that the dog saw me it looked at me with its sweet giant eyes and said, without words, “Do you want to play?”

Then I’d play for a few minutes and go back to what I was doing (probably reading old National Security Council transcripts).  But the dog just continued to look at me.  No amount of playing was ever enough for her.  I don’t need another mammal in my house begging for attention.  I’ve already got the two little Goofs.

Necessary Darkness: Review of Lemony Snicket

The little Goofs and I are driving around listening to Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events.  We are on book six, out of 13.  They are quick listens and reads and each one follows a fairly similar trajectory.  The main characters are the Baudelaire orphans, three charming and bright children whose parents were killed in a fire.  When the eldest turns 18 they will inherit the vast Baudelaire fortune.  In each story they are placed with a guardian and pursued by their evil cousin Count Olaf who adopts ingenious disguises in order to carry out a dastardly plan to steal their fortune.

So the plots are repetitive and the series does not have the vast import of say Harry Potter or Percy Jackson.  But the fun is really in the journey.  The series is written with witty, wonderful language full of funny juxtapositions and wry observations.  It is sophisticated enough for adults to enjoy and children can really sink their teeth into the rich witty language.  Even the names are wonderful, in one book the children live on Lake Lachrymose.  In another they attend Prufrock Preparatory School where they are placed under the care of Vice Principal Nero.  We are currently listening to Book Six, The Ersatz Elevator.

The stories can be a bit difficult to take because they are unrelentingly dark and whenever something not terrible happens, the reader knows something awful is just around the corner.  It is a world in which adults come in various combinations of creepy and evil, well meaning and ineffectual, or just plain distracted.  The books also present a number of adult phenomena but from the point of view of some rather serious children.  Hopefully few children live in a situation resembling those depicted in Lemony Snicket, but most children will relate to a world of useless and hostile grown-ups.

Finally, my favorite character is the youngest of the three orphans, Sunny.  She is a little girl who cannot quite walk and speaks in baby talk words that her siblings understand as clear and sophisticated concepts.  She also has four very sharp strong teeth.  Biting things is her hobby and she uses her teeth strategically in a number of difficult situations.  She is delightful.

(Sunny is the one biting the snake - because that's how she rolls.)

I listen to lots of books, but rarely have much to say about the audio production, but in this case the audio production is noticeable – for the better and worse.  Tim Curry, who is quite good, reads much of the series.  However, one of the characters, the children’s guardian Mr. Poe, is described as coughing a great deal.  Curry takes this to an extreme, which can be difficult to hear.  The little Goofs and I moan whenever a coughing fit comes along.  The author, Daniel Handler, reads some of the books.  His reading is ok – but his voice is often too soft and I have trouble hearing.  Finally, there are production problems with some of the books and parts are inaudible.  This may be my equipment or the specific reproduction from my library.  But the fact is out of dozens of audiobooks I’ve listened to in various formats these are the only ones I’ve had these kinds of problems with.

On the plus side, Sunny’s loud baby talk exclamations are much funnier heard then read – endearing her to me all the more.  So please, don't let this minor complaint stop anyone from listening or just read them.

Toiletry Obsession

Overall, GoofGirl was ecstatic about our family trip to New Mexico and especially her time with her beloved Tia C.  But there was one small disappointment.

GoofGirl has taken up the hobby of collecting hotel toiletries, not only that she has a friend at camp who shares this interest.  They discuss the different soaps, shampoos and lotions available at different hotels.  They bring them into camp to compare and even trade them.  The after-swimming showers are her favorite time at camp since she samples the various items and reviews them.  I urged her to start a blog about it - but GoofGirl demurs, afraid that will make it all trendy and ruin the fun of it.

But the possibilities fascinate her.  Obviously it is a treat to get really high quality stuff like Philosophy lotions.  But sometimes modest hotels have surprisingly good, if lesser-known, products.  This is good because we usually don't stay at the highest-end places.  However, GoofGirl's curiosity is not snobby, when we pass by a "discount" motel, she expresses curiosity about their wares.

One doesn't want to suppress a child's wonder, but we won't be making vacation plans around this and I kind of hope she doesn't take this interest too far.

She didn't mind our power outage wanderings, because it involved staying at a new hotel and thus - new toiletries.  And this is where she had a problem with our New Mexico junket.  No hotels.  My wonderful sister-in-law is putting us up in conditions better then any hotel (clean, separate rooms, lots of food, and free).  For MamaGoof and I this is wonderful.  But for GoofGirl this means no toiletries (although Tia C was happy to let GoofGirl root around her extensive perfume and lotion stockpile.)

However, MamaGoof and I were convinced to take a little side-trip to Santa Fe and stay overnight without our kids (twist our arms why don't you).  When Tia C dropped us at the hotel, GoofGirl's eyes were huge, "But what kind of toiletries do you think they have?"

She soon found out.

When the Goofs Go to New Mexico

I am pretty serious about travel, and was getting excited about the Goof Clan trip to New Mexico.  I tried to share my excitement with the little Goofs, telling them about ancient ruins, beautiful old churches, and natural wonders.  But the little Goofs had other priorities for our trip.  They mostly just want to hang out with their Tia C and all of my talk of adventure was at best a distraction and at worst terrifying.

At one point, GoofGirl told MamaGoof, "The way Daddy is talking about this trip, I don't think I want to go a anymore."

So I decided I needed to lighten things up bit. In my Gilbert Gottfried voice - because that makes everything funny - I announced our itinerary:

On our first day, we'll go to Ruined Shack Trail National Monument.  It is eight miles up a mountain to a ruined shack.  Ruined, but not abandoned, there is a crazy old hermit living there and he'll throw rocks at you till you leave.  This is good, much better then if he talks to you, because his breath smells like a crazy old man who lives in a ruined shack in the middle of nowhere.  And don't throw rocks back at him, he's part of the park so that's a federal crime.

Then you hike up the mountain for eight more miles.

How do you only hike up, without coming down?  Because it is a wonder of nature.  Also, it is on Rattlesnake Mountain, where you are guaranteed to be bitten by a snake.

On our second day we'll take a break from walking and visit the Holy Turkey Bone Museum.  There is a Native American tribe that worships the turkey and has done so for thousands of years.  Each turkey the take it's thigh bone after it dies and paint it gray and carefully preserve it.  They've been doing this for nearly 4000 years, so there are about 200,000 turkey bones on display.  The consistency of their work is amazing.  You've got to see it to understand it.  There are just miles of corridors at this museum with ancient turkey bones on display.  Best of all, it is only four hours from Albuquerque so we'll have to get up early to see the whole thing.

Then on our third day, we'll see the Lost Village of the Conquistadors.  The people who live there are descendants of the original Spanish conquistadors who came to New Mexico over 400 years ago.  They aren't lost, they just don't like anyone and tell everyone who comes to see them to get lost.  And if you don't leave right away, they poke you with their spears.  You haven't been to New Mexico if you haven't been poked in the tuchus by the lost conquistadors.

This bit of self-mockery (I'll make a podcast available if my fans demand it) improved the little Goofs' mood and reduced their anxiety about our trip to New Mexico.  But then, GoofBoy, looking over my shoulder as I paged through my copy of 100 Hikes in New Mexico, saw this picture.

He ran screaming to his sister, "Look, it's the ruined shack.  Daddy wasn't kidding, all that stuff is real! He's taking us to New Mexico to kill us!"

"Only if the Lost Conquistadors don't get you first!" I told them.

Dog Bites Goof

Yesterday our neighbor's dog bit GoofGirl. This was not good, but it could have been worse. He just nipped her. Our health care provider determined that she didn't need to come in. The neighbors were extremely apologetic. They had been holding the dog when GoofGirl went to pet it. But the dog was at the end of her leash (behavior wise that is), she was overdue for her walk. She had been adopted from a shelter and had probably not been treated well earlier. Also, GoofGirl had been playing with a cat earlier in the day, so who knows.
One reads about neighborhood feuds and lawsuits starting over incidents like this - but not here. The neighbors felt terrible and began producing documentation that the dog had her shots - we weren't worried. They offered to replace GoofGirl's shorts. No need there, we've lost half of GoofGirl's summer wardrobe because she keeps playing with the gerbils at camp who have been chewing through her shirts.
The big problem is that GoofGirl
has only just overcome some anxieties about dogs. I really didn't want this to set her back. She was pretty upset, understandably.
We talked about how dogs have personalities and this one isn't mean but was upset about something.
"I know Daddy, but I still wish I hadn't been bitten."
"But you won't start being afraid of Declan again?" Declan is her best friend's dog. GoofGirl's concerns about him were a big problem since it made her afraid to go to her friend's house.
GoofGirl looked at me, her eyes flinty, "Of course not! Declan doesn't bite."
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