Monday, August 20, 2012

When the Goofs Go to New Mexico

I am pretty serious about travel, and was getting excited about the Goof Clan trip to New Mexico.  I tried to share my excitement with the little Goofs, telling them about ancient ruins, beautiful old churches, and natural wonders.  But the little Goofs had other priorities for our trip.  They mostly just want to hang out with their Tia C and all of my talk of adventure was at best a distraction and at worst terrifying.

At one point, GoofGirl told MamaGoof, "The way Daddy is talking about this trip, I don't think I want to go a anymore."

So I decided I needed to lighten things up bit. In my Gilbert Gottfried voice - because that makes everything funny - I announced our itinerary:
On our first day, we'll go to Ruined Shack Trail National Monument.  It is eight miles up a mountain to a ruined shack.  Ruined, but not abandoned, there is a crazy old hermit living there and he'll throw rocks at you till you leave.  This is good, much better then if he talks to you, because his breath smells like a crazy old man who lives in a ruined shack in the middle of nowhere.  And don't throw rocks back at him, he's part of the park so that's a federal crime.
Then you hike up the mountain for eight more miles.

How do you only hike up, without coming down?  Because it is a wonder of nature.  Also, it is on Rattlesnake Mountain, where you are guaranteed to be bitten by a snake.

On our second day we'll take a break from walking and visit the Holy Turkey Bone Museum.  There is a Native American tribe that worships the turkey and has done so for thousands of years.  Each turkey the take it's thigh bone after it dies and paint it gray and carefully preserve it.  They've been doing this for nearly 4000 years, so there are about 200,000 turkey bones on display.  The consistency of their work is amazing.  You've got to see it to understand it.  There are just miles of corridors at this museum with ancient turkey bones on display.  Best of all, it is only four hours from Albuquerque so we'll have to get up early to see the whole thing.

Then on our third day, we'll see the Lost Village of the Conquistadors.  The people who live there are descendants of the original Spanish conquistadors who came to New Mexico over 400 years ago.  They aren't lost, they just don't like anyone and tell everyone who comes to see them to get lost.  And if you don't leave right away, they poke you with their spears.  You haven't been to New Mexico if you haven't been poked in the tuchus by the lost conquistadors.
This bit of self-mockery (I'll make a podcast available if my fans demand it) improved the little Goofs' mood and reduced their anxiety about our trip to New Mexico.  But then, GoofBoy, looking over my shoulder as I paged through my copy of 100 Hikes in New Mexico, saw this picture.

He ran screaming to his sister, "Look, it's the ruined shack.  Daddy wasn't kidding, all that stuff is real! He's taking us to New Mexico to kill us!"

"Only if the Lost Conquistadors don't get you first!" I told them.

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