Home Decor

With our kitchen done, my very sweet out-of-state sister-in-law gushed, "Oh, your house must be so beautiful now!"

I answered, "The kitchen and bathrooms look good. But the rest of the house still looks like Geoffrey, the Toys "backwards R" Us giraffe, threw up."

Virtues of Walk-In Fridge

If you are re-doing your kitchen, I highly recommend a walk-in fridge. Besides the obvious virtues of a big storage space (keeping massive amounts of meat and beer on hand - you can keep a whole cow in there) they also are good for time-outs.

I know some child welfare types (like my mom) would object. But children aren't covered by the Geneva Convention. Besides, five minutes in the walk-in fridge isn't that bad, especially if you leave the little light on.

But make sure there isn't anything really good to eat in there - otherwise you've created an incentive for misbehavior.

Kitchen Design for Dads: Part I

The Goofs live in one of those blessed municipalities where increased property values have made home improvement not merely popular but mandated by law. I voted for a soundproof glass playroom, my wife opted for a new kitchen (it was the original kitchen and apparently she was tired of cooking over a hearth.)

At the kitchen design showroom I was awed by the vast expanses of gleaming granite countertop and the sleek new appliances. I envisioned myself standing by the island, my dome gleaming under the recessed lighting (I use a little Extra Virgin Olive Oil for a special sheen - thanks George Costanza) issuing commands:

Left burners on full! Oven, 450 degrees! Dishwasher, complete cycle! Engage!

However, I should warn you, the bridge of the Enterprise is a terrible model for kitchen design (your wife won't let you do it anyway). My friend Milton did use the bridge of the Enterprise as the template for his kitchen. Bad traffic flow, and surprisingly little counterspace (although he used the original series.)

Still, Milton's wife let him do this - he may be the luckiest man in the world.

But definitely get a pull-out faucet head, you can pretend it is an intercom and issue commands to the whole house (at least until your wife grabs you by the ear with the salad tongs.)