This may be obvious, but I learned it too late. No matter how much your child begs, do not give them a sip of your latte. Especially if it is just before boarding a cross-country flight.
Their little bodies cannot process caffeine and a five year old rocketing around an airliner at full speed could potentially be a hazard to civil aviation. You do not want to be responsible for the ensuing forced landing.
Trust me on this one, really.
Showing posts with label Practical Advice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Practical Advice. Show all posts
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Making the Most of Your Video Camera
Tip #1: Plan
If you want to get good videos of family activities, you need to plan. It may have worked for Goddard and Trauffaut, but unless you are a French realist, cinema verite makes for boring family videos. The children are guaranteed to not do anything interesting or amusing when the camera is on. Not only is the French realist approach to family videos dull, it is also hazardous. As you are trying to unobtrusively follow your children, staring at them through a video camera, you are likely to miss all of the obstacles on the floor of any child dominated home. The video – through your eyes – of your fall makes for terrifically honest filmmaking. It can also hurt.
On the other hand, pulling out the camera when the kids are doing something adorable is guaranteed to stop whatever they were doing that was cute. You will get a video of your children milling about listlessly, like people waiting for a subway, with your voice repeating over and over – “C’mon, sing “Woolly Bully” again – just one more time for Daddy.” A good approach if you want your family movies to resemble Last Year at Marienbad (94 minutes of enigmatic narrative structure…)
Seriously, plan a modest activity that is worth being filmed – a snowball fight, catch, a round of wrestling, or Mommy’s face when she sees the mess you and the kids have made.
Tip #2: Pan Out
The other thing to know about video cameras is that among a swarm of children, you may not be able to pick out your child (particularly if they are all dressed the same.) Consequently, you may inadvertently have a 20 minute close-up of some child you don’t know singing his heart out at the “Flag Day” concert. This will be extremely embarrassing for you, and devastating for your child. Do a lot of wide-angle crowd shots.
This will come out better than you think. On the little screen on your camera it never looks like you get enough of your kid, so you do a lot of close-ups. But that same image, tiny of the video camera, will be huge on a TV. Also, kids move around a lot in unpredictable directions, like Robert Downey, Jr. Trust me, pan out!
Also, just a heads up, videos of kids’ pep rallies (particularly when the kids are all dressed in school colors) can have a weird Triumph of the Will vibe – that is if the Hitler Youth fell down a lot and did the “Hokey Pokey.”
If you want to get good videos of family activities, you need to plan. It may have worked for Goddard and Trauffaut, but unless you are a French realist, cinema verite makes for boring family videos. The children are guaranteed to not do anything interesting or amusing when the camera is on. Not only is the French realist approach to family videos dull, it is also hazardous. As you are trying to unobtrusively follow your children, staring at them through a video camera, you are likely to miss all of the obstacles on the floor of any child dominated home. The video – through your eyes – of your fall makes for terrifically honest filmmaking. It can also hurt.
On the other hand, pulling out the camera when the kids are doing something adorable is guaranteed to stop whatever they were doing that was cute. You will get a video of your children milling about listlessly, like people waiting for a subway, with your voice repeating over and over – “C’mon, sing “Woolly Bully” again – just one more time for Daddy.” A good approach if you want your family movies to resemble Last Year at Marienbad (94 minutes of enigmatic narrative structure…)
Seriously, plan a modest activity that is worth being filmed – a snowball fight, catch, a round of wrestling, or Mommy’s face when she sees the mess you and the kids have made.
Tip #2: Pan Out
The other thing to know about video cameras is that among a swarm of children, you may not be able to pick out your child (particularly if they are all dressed the same.) Consequently, you may inadvertently have a 20 minute close-up of some child you don’t know singing his heart out at the “Flag Day” concert. This will be extremely embarrassing for you, and devastating for your child. Do a lot of wide-angle crowd shots.
This will come out better than you think. On the little screen on your camera it never looks like you get enough of your kid, so you do a lot of close-ups. But that same image, tiny of the video camera, will be huge on a TV. Also, kids move around a lot in unpredictable directions, like Robert Downey, Jr. Trust me, pan out!
Also, just a heads up, videos of kids’ pep rallies (particularly when the kids are all dressed in school colors) can have a weird Triumph of the Will vibe – that is if the Hitler Youth fell down a lot and did the “Hokey Pokey.”
Friday, January 12, 2007
Economics of Babysitting
Let's get right to the point: there is no reason to feel guilty about low-balling when negotiating payment with the babysitter.
When I was a teenager I had no life, and was desperate for cash. I babysat (even though I didn't really like kids) and all my friends babysat. This was twenty years ago and I was paid one-fifty an hour. As soon as I was old enough I got a job at a pizza place (and free pizza when I misread orders and made it wrong) for the lordly sum of $3.35 an hour.
Now, baby-sitters in my neck of the woods charge $8 an hour (I was in my twenties before I made that kind of money - although I am employment-challenged.) I don't know why the price of a teenager's time has gone up so much - they seem about as useless as I was at that age. It probably has something to do with MySpace.
Do the math, a nice dinner for two ($40 and 90 minutes) and a movie ($20 including snacks and two and a half hours), add in transit time and you owe the baby-sitter $40. A modest night out suddenly costs a c-note.
And $8 an hour is not the high end. When we took the kids to an out of town wedding the baby-sitter was $12 an hour.
You have one advantage here, teenagers aren't much for market research. The kids already in the business know the prevailing rates. But the ones who haven't babysat before do not. You need to find fresh meat (bar mitzvahs have been particularly rich veins to mine - although not the kid being honored, he is rolling in gifts that day.)
This is a good start, but it could be counter-productive. If every parent is seeking new blood, soon the kids will get wise. Bidding wars, and possibly fistfights, could ensue. We need to form a cartel, before they start one (possibly through networks of friends on MySpace). As a cartel we can set prices and, if necessary, lobby congress to set a maximum wage for babysitters.
Also, if they are going to charge these prices we should make them take credit cards.
One important note - however desperate you are for a night out, do not compromise on your child's security. One kid told us how smart our son was, explaining, "He even beat me at Connect Four." He won't be back.
When I was a teenager I had no life, and was desperate for cash. I babysat (even though I didn't really like kids) and all my friends babysat. This was twenty years ago and I was paid one-fifty an hour. As soon as I was old enough I got a job at a pizza place (and free pizza when I misread orders and made it wrong) for the lordly sum of $3.35 an hour.
Now, baby-sitters in my neck of the woods charge $8 an hour (I was in my twenties before I made that kind of money - although I am employment-challenged.) I don't know why the price of a teenager's time has gone up so much - they seem about as useless as I was at that age. It probably has something to do with MySpace.
Do the math, a nice dinner for two ($40 and 90 minutes) and a movie ($20 including snacks and two and a half hours), add in transit time and you owe the baby-sitter $40. A modest night out suddenly costs a c-note.
And $8 an hour is not the high end. When we took the kids to an out of town wedding the baby-sitter was $12 an hour.
You have one advantage here, teenagers aren't much for market research. The kids already in the business know the prevailing rates. But the ones who haven't babysat before do not. You need to find fresh meat (bar mitzvahs have been particularly rich veins to mine - although not the kid being honored, he is rolling in gifts that day.)
This is a good start, but it could be counter-productive. If every parent is seeking new blood, soon the kids will get wise. Bidding wars, and possibly fistfights, could ensue. We need to form a cartel, before they start one (possibly through networks of friends on MySpace). As a cartel we can set prices and, if necessary, lobby congress to set a maximum wage for babysitters.
Also, if they are going to charge these prices we should make them take credit cards.
One important note - however desperate you are for a night out, do not compromise on your child's security. One kid told us how smart our son was, explaining, "He even beat me at Connect Four." He won't be back.
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Finding Problems with Nemo
Finding Nemo is a charming animated movie about a daddy clownfish on a quest to find his little lost clownfish child. It will occupy your children endlessly, and you can even watch it a few times without getting sap poisoning.
However, there are complications. First, my son went through a phase in which he was anxious about going down the drain. Bathtime was a terrifying experience because of his concerns. I marshaled extensive evidence to prove that he would not go down the drain. There were demonstrations - frequently using objects he could eat: but that could not go down the drain. There were discussions, lectures, diagrams. I employed a multi-pronged full-scale informational campaign to prove that he could not slip down the drain. I used every tool of the Western philosophical tradition - from empirical evidence, to Aristotelian logic, to Socratic dialogues. Finally, he was persuaded.
Then he saw the movie, which includes a scene where Nemo, in fact, goes down the drain. (For Nemo this was a good thing since it allowed him to get out of a fish tank and back to the Great Barrier Reef - but my son saw right through this and will never trust me again.)
Issue Two: Clownfish are really cute, colorful fish. They are also saltwater fish - which means if you put them in a tank at home they will probably die soon. If you really know what you are doing then:
With that in mind, you might be tempted to appease the little tyrants by applying whiteout to a regular goldfish. This is very hard on both you and the goldfish. Touching up more than one goldfish in this manner will almost certainly exceed your emotional, physiological, and chronological capabilities (to say nothing of the goldfish). Worse if you have other goldfish they will tease the painted one mercilessly.
Not to say Finding Nemo isn't a good kids movie. But, like all good things, it comes at a cost.
* I am aware of the irony that Finding Nemo was about a little clownfish escaping to freedom from captivity, and yet your children will want to place a clownfish in captivity. Children, however, are immune to irony (and also to sarcasm). It is a survival mechanism.
You may wish to try to reason with your kids. When they demand a clownfish try to explain this inconsistency. Have fun with that. I understand some people also like jabbing forks in their ears.
However, there are complications. First, my son went through a phase in which he was anxious about going down the drain. Bathtime was a terrifying experience because of his concerns. I marshaled extensive evidence to prove that he would not go down the drain. There were demonstrations - frequently using objects he could eat: but that could not go down the drain. There were discussions, lectures, diagrams. I employed a multi-pronged full-scale informational campaign to prove that he could not slip down the drain. I used every tool of the Western philosophical tradition - from empirical evidence, to Aristotelian logic, to Socratic dialogues. Finally, he was persuaded.
Then he saw the movie, which includes a scene where Nemo, in fact, goes down the drain. (For Nemo this was a good thing since it allowed him to get out of a fish tank and back to the Great Barrier Reef - but my son saw right through this and will never trust me again.)
Issue Two: Clownfish are really cute, colorful fish. They are also saltwater fish - which means if you put them in a tank at home they will probably die soon. If you really know what you are doing then:
- you probably aren't reading this blog, since keeping your fish alive is absorbing your every waking moment and
- the fish will die a bit less soon.
With that in mind, you might be tempted to appease the little tyrants by applying whiteout to a regular goldfish. This is very hard on both you and the goldfish. Touching up more than one goldfish in this manner will almost certainly exceed your emotional, physiological, and chronological capabilities (to say nothing of the goldfish). Worse if you have other goldfish they will tease the painted one mercilessly.
Not to say Finding Nemo isn't a good kids movie. But, like all good things, it comes at a cost.
* I am aware of the irony that Finding Nemo was about a little clownfish escaping to freedom from captivity, and yet your children will want to place a clownfish in captivity. Children, however, are immune to irony (and also to sarcasm). It is a survival mechanism.
You may wish to try to reason with your kids. When they demand a clownfish try to explain this inconsistency. Have fun with that. I understand some people also like jabbing forks in their ears.
Friday, July 28, 2006
Saturday, May 27, 2006
Recommended Chase Music
You will probably spend a fair amount of time chasing your children around the dining room table. Kids love to run around in circles. As much fun as it is - it will be even more fun if you play the theme from the Benny Hill Show.
In a pinch you can hum it - but if you are like me running and humming at the same time are no longer possible and being winded in front of your children is really embarrassing (and more importantly it reveals a vulnerability that your children will exploit).
In a pinch you can hum it - but if you are like me running and humming at the same time are no longer possible and being winded in front of your children is really embarrassing (and more importantly it reveals a vulnerability that your children will exploit).
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Mothers Day Woes & Dos
Father Goof has been recovering from Mothers Day - so no blogging here. Sorry to provide this advice late but there is always next year (or you could surprise her for a change you selfish clod...)
So there is one thing you can do for your wife on Mothers Day - take the children away from her.
That is what she wants and deserves. Give her the day off from morning to night and let her choose what she wants to do with it, no matter how inane:
Disappointed that your efforts reap no rewards? Good, now you know how she feels - every day. (Selfish clod.)
* FYI, if she mixes Bewitched and margaritas it will lead straight to the crying. Sam's ability to clean the house with a twitch drives women crazy. Expect a rough time with this combo. Of course you could also pick-up occasionally (selfish clod.)
So there is one thing you can do for your wife on Mothers Day - take the children away from her.
That is what she wants and deserves. Give her the day off from morning to night and let her choose what she wants to do with it, no matter how inane:
- - Watch reruns of Bewitched
- Drink margaritas*
- Do laundry
- Sadly cry about the morass of living death her life has become
- Sleep
- Shop for shoes
- All of the above
Disappointed that your efforts reap no rewards? Good, now you know how she feels - every day. (Selfish clod.)
* FYI, if she mixes Bewitched and margaritas it will lead straight to the crying. Sam's ability to clean the house with a twitch drives women crazy. Expect a rough time with this combo. Of course you could also pick-up occasionally (selfish clod.)
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Velcro: A Cost Benefit Analysis
No doubt you vowed that your children would not have velcro shoes - that they would learn to tie their shoes and that velcro was an abomination before the Lord.
I did.
But the other day the preschool director was giving me a foul look when I brought my children in ten minutes late. The reason - besides a blockage in my intravenous coffee drip - a knot in my two year old daughter's shoe. Not to take anything away from Alexander the Great, but I had an additional challenge as I struggled with this Gordita knot*, my four year old was telling me, "Chewbacca and Anakin are friends and together they met Yoda and learned the Force, and Daddy, I'm serious this happened..." Nothing like a high-pitched voice talking extremely fast to improve your concentration and fine motor skills. After ten minutes of this I went to put my son's shoes on. This took some doing because he kept jumping up to roar like a Wookie.
Meanwhile my daughter pulled her shoes and socks off...
They can learn to tie their shoes in college. In the morning I need speed. If velcro shoes save me ten minutes a morning that adds up to an hour a week, which is more than a workweek a year. This will also lower your blood pressure. Plus it saves me the scorn of the preschool teacher.
But, all things have a price. I have lost numerous ties to velcro snaps on their jackets. (Once they learn how to do the velcro on their shoes Pandora's Box is open - it cannot be closed. They will randomly rip open the velcro snaps on their jackets.) This is a price you will have to pay.
* This is a double reference - to the unsolvable Gordian knot that Alexander the Great split with his sword and the Spanish word gordita which means "Little fat one" (yes, like the things they sell at Taco Bell.)
I did.
But the other day the preschool director was giving me a foul look when I brought my children in ten minutes late. The reason - besides a blockage in my intravenous coffee drip - a knot in my two year old daughter's shoe. Not to take anything away from Alexander the Great, but I had an additional challenge as I struggled with this Gordita knot*, my four year old was telling me, "Chewbacca and Anakin are friends and together they met Yoda and learned the Force, and Daddy, I'm serious this happened..." Nothing like a high-pitched voice talking extremely fast to improve your concentration and fine motor skills. After ten minutes of this I went to put my son's shoes on. This took some doing because he kept jumping up to roar like a Wookie.
Meanwhile my daughter pulled her shoes and socks off...
They can learn to tie their shoes in college. In the morning I need speed. If velcro shoes save me ten minutes a morning that adds up to an hour a week, which is more than a workweek a year. This will also lower your blood pressure. Plus it saves me the scorn of the preschool teacher.
But, all things have a price. I have lost numerous ties to velcro snaps on their jackets. (Once they learn how to do the velcro on their shoes Pandora's Box is open - it cannot be closed. They will randomly rip open the velcro snaps on their jackets.) This is a price you will have to pay.
* This is a double reference - to the unsolvable Gordian knot that Alexander the Great split with his sword and the Spanish word gordita which means "Little fat one" (yes, like the things they sell at Taco Bell.)
Don't discuss changin' (diapers)
At some point you are going to want to humorously complain to your friends about diaper changing and your child's chemical weapons quality excretions.
Don't.
Your wife will frown at you and observe that you change about one diaper a week. This will set in motion a discussion you do not want to have. When you contest her she will be able to recall, with absolute precision, the time, volume, and velocity of every diaper change going back to the baby's birth. How you, while watching the game promised to "Get the next one" three months ago (she's waiting.) Or the time the baby had one of those IED poops that spattered the room at three AM and she had to run a load of laundry - and you slept.
In short - you lose!
Alternately, on the off chance you do change your share of diapers and you can prove it you will have just shown up your wife as an inadequate mother in front of all your friends. She might cry.
You lose.
Don't.
Your wife will frown at you and observe that you change about one diaper a week. This will set in motion a discussion you do not want to have. When you contest her she will be able to recall, with absolute precision, the time, volume, and velocity of every diaper change going back to the baby's birth. How you, while watching the game promised to "Get the next one" three months ago (she's waiting.) Or the time the baby had one of those IED poops that spattered the room at three AM and she had to run a load of laundry - and you slept.
In short - you lose!
Alternately, on the off chance you do change your share of diapers and you can prove it you will have just shown up your wife as an inadequate mother in front of all your friends. She might cry.
You lose.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Know Your Parts
It will save you a lot of hassle if you can commit to memory where your children part their hair.
Trust me on this one.
Friday, January 13, 2006
Bye Bye Buy Buy Baby
Just like everything else, baby stuff is now purchased in mega-stores, such as Buy Buy Baby. You will have to spend a lot of time in these stores - babies, toddlers, etc. require a lot of stuff. However, as big as these stores are, there is very little cool stuff in them - and you will get bored.
You would think getting baby stuff would appeal to Dads. There are lots of choices, with complicated options and various drawbacks and advantages. Cribs, carseats, pacifiers. There are warring factions on Mommy news-groups on all of these issues. Long, bloody conflicts that make Mac vs. PC seem downright dignified.
But there is nothing there for a Dad to sink his teeth into - maybe because none of these devices have any electronics or engines or anything. The key issue with them is never power - it is always safety.
The big electronic items are baby monitors, which are about the least cool electronic device you can imagine. You can't change channels (say to listen to other people's kids, or ballgames), they all have the same range so there is nothing to compare, and you can't get one with fiber optics or satellite uplink mode.
They have videos and CDs, but it is mostly Barney, Baby Einstein, and Teletubbies. You will not want to spend a lot of time reviewing them. I don't know if they make kids smarter - but they definitely make adults dumber.
There is one thing Dads can get into - glider chairs. There are more than a few stories of Dads appropriating these comfortable chairs for various sports seasons. At the very least you can test them all (really you can test every single one) while your wife considers Britax vs. Combi and Avent vs. Gerber. Support her in whatever decision she makes. Or, if you are nuts, become a Gerber partisan when she has chosen Avent. Your call.
There is also a trick, that just might get you out of the store. Start softly singing "I want my babyback babyback babyback, I want my babyback, babyback ribs" over and over again. With luck your wife will let you go to a nearby tavern or coffeeshop or, whatever. The longer she waits before she releases you the more other Dads you will infect. Eventually, the manager will ask you to leave.
Sometimes these stores aren't near anything else, in which case the Dads just linger around the entrance, waiting and inadverdantly serenading entering Moms and Moms-to-be with endless repetitions of "I want my babyback babyback babyback, I want my babyback, babyback ribs."
You would think getting baby stuff would appeal to Dads. There are lots of choices, with complicated options and various drawbacks and advantages. Cribs, carseats, pacifiers. There are warring factions on Mommy news-groups on all of these issues. Long, bloody conflicts that make Mac vs. PC seem downright dignified.
But there is nothing there for a Dad to sink his teeth into - maybe because none of these devices have any electronics or engines or anything. The key issue with them is never power - it is always safety.
The big electronic items are baby monitors, which are about the least cool electronic device you can imagine. You can't change channels (say to listen to other people's kids, or ballgames), they all have the same range so there is nothing to compare, and you can't get one with fiber optics or satellite uplink mode.
They have videos and CDs, but it is mostly Barney, Baby Einstein, and Teletubbies. You will not want to spend a lot of time reviewing them. I don't know if they make kids smarter - but they definitely make adults dumber.
There is one thing Dads can get into - glider chairs. There are more than a few stories of Dads appropriating these comfortable chairs for various sports seasons. At the very least you can test them all (really you can test every single one) while your wife considers Britax vs. Combi and Avent vs. Gerber. Support her in whatever decision she makes. Or, if you are nuts, become a Gerber partisan when she has chosen Avent. Your call.
There is also a trick, that just might get you out of the store. Start softly singing "I want my babyback babyback babyback, I want my babyback, babyback ribs" over and over again. With luck your wife will let you go to a nearby tavern or coffeeshop or, whatever. The longer she waits before she releases you the more other Dads you will infect. Eventually, the manager will ask you to leave.
Sometimes these stores aren't near anything else, in which case the Dads just linger around the entrance, waiting and inadverdantly serenading entering Moms and Moms-to-be with endless repetitions of "I want my babyback babyback babyback, I want my babyback, babyback ribs."
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Three Things A Dad Needs
There are three things a father should have.
First, a minivan. Yes, they are dorky. Yes, they are a concession to the end of your youth and a sad acceptance of the inevitability of change, age, and ultimately death. They are also super convenient. First, you can haul stuff in them. They have high ceilings so that strapping kids into and taking them out of car seats is much easier. This is more important than you might think, car seats will annoy you, but any attempt to transport your children without them will land you in a federal penitentiary. But, finally, a minivan, unlike a car, is a good emergency playground. Kids will love climbing around on the chairs and running around in the back. Can't imagine you will ever be so desperate to try this - trust me, you will.
Minivan a little pricey. Here are two inexpensive, but essential items.
Laser pointer - you know how the cat will chase the red spot made by a laser pointer. So will kids, the difference is the cat gets bored after 10-15 minutes. Also, if you take the kids outside at night you can flash the laser pointer and tell the kids that they are seeing the extremely rare red firefly.
Nerf ball - you and your kid will, inevitably, want to play catch. For the first several years of your child's life they will not be remotely competent to play catch. However, the kid will get a kick out of chasing the ball around. With a nerf ball you can throw the ball directly at your child's head. You will find this very satisfying. This does not make you a bad person.
First, a minivan. Yes, they are dorky. Yes, they are a concession to the end of your youth and a sad acceptance of the inevitability of change, age, and ultimately death. They are also super convenient. First, you can haul stuff in them. They have high ceilings so that strapping kids into and taking them out of car seats is much easier. This is more important than you might think, car seats will annoy you, but any attempt to transport your children without them will land you in a federal penitentiary. But, finally, a minivan, unlike a car, is a good emergency playground. Kids will love climbing around on the chairs and running around in the back. Can't imagine you will ever be so desperate to try this - trust me, you will.
Minivan a little pricey. Here are two inexpensive, but essential items.
Laser pointer - you know how the cat will chase the red spot made by a laser pointer. So will kids, the difference is the cat gets bored after 10-15 minutes. Also, if you take the kids outside at night you can flash the laser pointer and tell the kids that they are seeing the extremely rare red firefly.
Nerf ball - you and your kid will, inevitably, want to play catch. For the first several years of your child's life they will not be remotely competent to play catch. However, the kid will get a kick out of chasing the ball around. With a nerf ball you can throw the ball directly at your child's head. You will find this very satisfying. This does not make you a bad person.
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