Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Annals of Boredom II: Repeating Impressions

Children thrive on repetition. When they find a favorite story they will
want it read to them over and over and over again - without break. You may
find yourself cheering when the gingerbread man is trapped and eaten or come
to see the little red hen as a sanctimonious schoolmarm, or even root for
the giant to catch Jack and devour him. I have.

One fun little way to make these endless re-readings more fun is to practice
your impressions. I do Sean Connery when I read "Old MacDonald had a Farm."
I also do a killer rap version of "Five Little Ducks."

On the last, there is a bonus. My son will offer to "read" (that is recite)
"Five Little Ducks" to his little sister and he'll do the rap version. (My
wife goes to the bedroom and sobs softly to herself.)

Now I am trying to find him some age appropriate bling. Maybe something
with a Thomas the Tank Engine motif.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Recommended Chase Music

You will probably spend a fair amount of time chasing your children around the dining room table. Kids love to run around in circles. As much fun as it is - it will be even more fun if you play the theme from the Benny Hill Show.

In a pinch you can hum it - but if you are like me running and humming at the same time are no longer possible and being winded in front of your children is really embarrassing (and more importantly it reveals a vulnerability that your children will exploit).

Friday, May 19, 2006

Sweet Tears

At the supermarket today I tried to make a little boy laugh by making faces.  But instead he burst into tears.

I was pretty upset too, since this was killer material.  My signature move is puffing up my cheeks like Dizzy Gillespie.  But I was also wriggling my nose, goofy grins.  If this stuff doesn't work I might as well throw in the towel.

I felt bad for the mom who had a kid sitting the shopping cart quietly, playing with a bag of frozen okra - now screaming.  She comforted him, whispering to him softly in Spanish (all I caught was something about el blanco loco.

We made up with a little peek-a-boo (it was a pretty long line.)

I mentioned it to my wife - and she asked me if I puffed up my cheeks.

"Of course," I grinned.  She said little wonder he cried, the cheek thing is freakish.  Also, I've got a few days of stubble going, so I must have looked like a frightened myopic blowfish.

Meanwhile, a few days ago, I was chatting with the mom of one of my son's friends when we picked up our kids from their pre-school.  The two boys were running around.  My son's friend fell hard, landing on his rump, on a rock.  He burst into tears (who could blame him) and his mother scooped him up.

This little boy has an older brother, so he always seemed worldly and grown-up (for a five year old that is.)  My son idolizes his friend a bit because his friend has actually seen the Star Wars movies and plays on the computer himself.  I'd never seen him cry.  He's a great kid - I didn't want to see him in any pain.  But it was nice to see him as a little boy.

At five all boys want to be tough and big and strong.  They want to grow up and they are like little man dolls - posing and posturing.  But they are little boys too.  Sometimes, when they are squeezed just a little the sweetness comes out.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Mothers Day Woes & Dos

Father Goof has been recovering from Mothers Day - so no blogging here. Sorry to provide this advice late but there is always next year (or you could surprise her for a change you selfish clod...)

So there is one thing you can do for your wife on Mothers Day - take the children away from her.

That is what she wants and deserves. Give her the day off from morning to night and let her choose what she wants to do with it, no matter how inane:
    - Watch reruns of Bewitched
    - Drink margaritas*
    - Do laundry
    - Sadly cry about the morass of living death her life has become
    - Sleep
    - Shop for shoes
    - All of the above
Also, jewelry is good. But jewelry or not - do not expect, or ask for, any Mothers Day treats - that's what got her into this in the first place.

Disappointed that your efforts reap no rewards? Good, now you know how she feels - every day. (Selfish clod.)

* FYI, if she mixes Bewitched and margaritas it will lead straight to the crying. Sam's ability to clean the house with a twitch drives women crazy. Expect a rough time with this combo. Of course you could also pick-up occasionally (selfish clod.)

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Annals of Boredom I: Summer Evenings and Attack of the BubbleDroids

My little girl is just learning to blow bubbles. So we blow bubbles together and she laughs with pure joy and wonder. It is good.

But, believe it or not, too much waving the little bubblewand can hurt your rotator cuff. You'll need a break.

This is better. She blows bubbles. My son, believes they are BubbleDroids and leaps to defend the galaxy from their menace with his "lightsabre" (a nerf "Little Champs" baseball bat).

And I can sit with them in the backyard and enjoy a Father Goof-sized gin and tonic (32 ounces in my son's Yoda cup). She spills bubble stuff on her hands and shirt. No worries - the primary ingredient of bubble stuff is soap.